I dropped my bag and sat down on the couch next to her.

“Sorry I’m late.” She immediately snuggled up against me trying to keep me warm. I couldn’t tell if I was shivering from the cold or because she was sitting so close to me. I forced out a smile, I willed my hand to stroke her curly brown hair. I took in a deep breath If only I could smell the scent of Ashley’s shampoo, if only she was here with me now. I shook my head, no I could not allow myself to think these thoughts they’d only make me cry more. These were the thoughts reserved for when I was alone, morbid and alone not when I was cuddled up and pretending to be happy.

It was bad enough that I had all this guilt running through my veins, I could not allow myself to add these thoughts to my never ending list of faults. It was unfair to Kat because she really did deserve someone better than me yet I was selfish so very selfish. I hung onto her, I took in all the love she had to give simply because it was easier than being alone. It was easier to be next to someone than lying awake at night in an empty bed.

I welcomed Kat’s embrace she was easy to be with, she didn’t expect much from me. It helped that she looked a lot like Ashley. I cursed softly under my breath, I was doing it again… thinking about her.

I had no control still so many months later. I realized this, every day I realized how far out of control I was and sadly for me there was no going back. I had made all these choices, all of them the wrong ones.

I so badly wanted to go back every part of me was screaming for me to find her but fear always prevented me from doing that. If I found her what the hell was I going to say to her? Hell what if I went looking for her only to discover she was dead that I killed her. That would kill me in an instant, it would kill any ounce of hope I have left in me.