I rolled over onto my back thinking about what just happened and about Ashley. Is it really worth all this? Am I really gay or is it just an idea that I have because of an affection towards her? Am I confusing friendship with love? Maybe my mother is right. Do I really want this for the rest of my life? To be hated and abused, yelled at and spat at, looks of disgust instead of looks of happiness.

I took out my phone and dialed Ashley’s number.

" Hello Fantasy Hotline, Your one and only Ashley." I could hear her giggle.

"Hey." Is all I managed.

"Hey babe, sorry I couldn’t resist. Are you ok? How’d it go with your mum?" She asked so sweetly. I couldn’t believe what I was about to say to her.

"Yeh just GREAT!" Sarcasm dripping off me in waves. " What do you think Captain Obvious?" I snapped.

"Oh um I’m sorry. I was just worried." I could hear how unsure she was.

" No Ash I’m sorry." I apologised. I knew I was a bit mean. Trying to keep my resolve I just got straight to the point.

" Um.. Ash..Ashley.. I don’t think we should see each other anymore." Dear God what am I doing!

" I just can’t do this right now. I’m failing at school and I need to concentrate without distraction." You idiot Spencer! Throwing away the best thing in your life just because you are scared! Scared of having no family, of people hating you. You will regret this!! I put my thoughts away as I heard Ashley speak.

"I..uh.." I could hear Ashley sobbing. It was breaking my heart. Better that we break each others hearts now, than when I’m in too deep. It’ll save her from years of heartache with me. Im not worth it. I start to cry heavily.

"I am so sorry, I just.. I just can’t do this. My mom HATES me, my dad doesn’t stand up for me. I just think that I’m not prepared to go through all this. No matter how much I get hurt. I just want to be normal."

" You ARE normal Spence! She’s a religious fanatical! You know she’s full of it. Baby Please don’t do this to us! I can’t live without you by my side." Her voice cracked.

"Im sorry I have to go." And with that I ended the call. I flicked through the pictures in my phone and saw the last one I took of me and Ash earlier that night. Staring into each others eyes like there was nothing else in the world. You could practically see the love flowing between us. I started to cry again. Why is this so hard? What do I want with my life?

I look back at Ashley’s number. Hesitating between calling her and confessing that it was all in a moment of weakness and that I couldn’t live without her love, or just closing my phone and going to sleep.

I hel the phone in my hands thinking. Do I? Or Don’t I?