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    Beyond My Knowing, chapter 36

    ”How could it?” Janarin said sadly. ”Think about it… If I told you, and you felt the same way… We couldn’t be together. They’d force us apart. They could… they could hurt us, hurt you… Even kill us… And… and if you didn’t feel that way, well… I just thought, it was better to keep you in my life.”

    Thalla looked over to her and took her hand strongly in hers. ”You’re stupid.” She told her, only a little meaning it.

    ”I’m… stupid?” Janarin asked.

    ”Very, very stupid.” Thalla said quietly.

    ”But, um… Why?” Janarin asked, feeling hurt and confused and scared.

    ”…I’ll always be in your life, no matter what. As long as I have a choice about it. As long as I’m not physically forced not to be, I’ll be in your life. You’re very, very stupid… because you don’t know that.” She told her.

    ”So… um, does that mean…?” Janarin felt relief and joy and tentative hope that she could maybe, just maybe…

    Thalla shook her head. ”I don’t know… Maybe it does, maybe not…” She admitted. ”I um, I never thought… I always just thought I’d have to, you know, marry a boy one day. I just… I just hoped I’d find a good one. You know, like Caya and Kaylin. I thought, um… Maybe me and Pajel?” She admitted. She’d admitted as much to Caya once, because she’d asked, but… Janarin had never asked her about those kinds of things. She’d liked that she hadn’t, because it wasn’t something she’d really wanted to think about yet. She liked Pajel, he made her feel happy to be around him sometimes, but she didn’t know if she genuinely wanted to be his wife one day. If he was really someone she could trust. She was scared of ending up like her mother. But she knew not all boys, or men, were like her father… or she hoped they weren’t anyway… and Pajel had always been nice to her. And she liked the way his hair fell over his eyes, how his bared chest looked in the sun, and she liked his smile too…

    ”…Pajel…” Janarin said, sounding smaller than Thalla had ever heard her sound before. Janarin hugged her arms around herself and felt like she wanted to scream, or hit something… Maybe Pajel… Maybe in the face… She’d never felt like she could be violent before, not ever, but she felt like she could be now. She didn’t like how it felt at all. She narrowed her eyes and looked at the ground in front of her and wished she could just disappear.

    Comments

    1. Oh no,never this easy. THALLA is going with them but the self-doubt is there and knowing how JANARIN feels towards her is enough for her to seek out her mother. KES should be wary of that ship,just a feeling like it isn’t what she thinks it is. Say your goodbyes and go and hurry.Loving this story.THANKS,ps.

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