“Is there something you want to say Bette?”‘

“Well….I wasn’t honest with you, I didn’t think I mattered”

“And why do you think you felt the need to lie about that?”

“Isn’t it obvious”

“Alright then did you write in your journal?”

“Fuck here is the fucking journal” (Bette took it out, ripped the page she wrote on and threw it down to the floor…she realized how immature she was being).

            Bette left the office expecting the therapist to come running after her, but she didn’t, she only sat there with her notebook with her calm demeanor. She must have had to take shit all day, Bette felt a sting of guilt. She felt anger, mostly at herself. There was so much she needed to say, if she wanted to be normal again. She….she would have to tell Tina the reason why she chose to try off herself. It seemed ridiculous now, thinking about it…what a waste, her entire life would truly have been a waste if she had succeeded. She didn’t know who found her, could only remember the awful taste of charcoal. She got into the car beside Tina. Tina noticed the time, it was way too early, but didn’t say anything. Bette hated that too, hated how Tina would not mention stuff, would let things go. Bette knew she was trying to be tolerant or at least understanding. But it just made Bette know that Tina was waiting for BETTE to start talking, not her. Bette leaned back, closed her eyes.

            She had nothing to lose, she would have to tell Tina. Bette was at her desk, at her computer at home…after the dreadful session. She was working from home, as much as she could for the next week, she had two weeks off from work. She only told her supervisor that she was under personal stress. He understood. He said it would cut into her vacation time, Bette said no problem…she wasn’t planning a vacation anyway. First step, first step…being honest. Entailing that was all the shit Bette felt weak for doing…admitting the reasons to Tina was the first step. Then after that? Forgiving herself? Maybe that was number two….when she got all the head stuff done, what then? Does she go on? How can she be rid of the nightmares? Bette would still go to therapy, she didn’t want to, but it seemed necessary. She wanted to close the chasm between her and Tina first though. Ever since Tina had said those things to Bette, they had not made love. Bette couldn’t bring herself too and Tina wouldn’t ask, didn’t want to seem needy when Bette was recovering. Bette felt so weak. It was all stupid.