(Bette didn’t know how to argue against this one) “Well….ok”

“right, now right off the bat…I want you to tell two things that get you angry the most…the two things that come straight to your mind”

“misunderstandings and laziness”

“Now what are two things that you associate with those two…it can be anything, but it has to be something that occurs in your life”

“When I feel one way but act another…that’s misunderstandings….and um…laziness from my colleague, the curators I supervise”

“The first thing you said…misunderstandings and the thing you associate it with…tell me if I’m wrong, suggests to me that your frustrated that Tina can never understand what you went through that day, that she will never really know why you were the way you were afterwards too…that your anger is in part your frustration at yourself in not getting better faster………..Bette eventually you must stop blaming yourself or your partner…it is neither of your fault”

(Bette stopped the tears from coming again) “Yea…I can see it now”

” And your second association and pet peeve…laziness…suggests to me the same thing, it is just another term for frustration, maybe your feel frustrated for other people’s shortcomings because it reminds you that you had your life put on hold for a little bit, which may also equal laziness…does that sound familiar Bette?”

“yea…(Bette managed to not cry….) it does actually, I feel-I’m ashamed to say it but I know I shouldn’t…I feel ashamed to be….loved by anyone…..I feel so angry but I don’t know what to do with it, im afraid of blowing up at Tina”

“Bette your anger is not a depletion or blemish of your character, it is healthy…you need to feel angry, it is unhealthy for you to suppress it…..don’t be ashamed to be loved”

“I can’t help it, I-I killed someone, I killed a person who once loved me…how can anyone love me now?….”

“Bette…you know what? After twenty-seven sessions together…….you know I love you too…there are people who love you”

(Bette suddenly felt angry at her therapist…Carrie…angry at her for saying this, how could she love Bette? Bette could hardly accept Tina loving her let alone her therapist) “don’t say that don’t”

“Bette listen to me…I love you”

(Bette closed her eyes and pressed her hands to her face…sobbing now, but controlling it, keeping it barely in..) “Stop it….stop it”

“Bette….I love you”

( Bette let out a cry, and covered her face with her hands) “stop…….it, please  plea-”

“Bette…I love you”

(Bette looked up…looked at the woman sitting across from her. Carrie was extremely calm, she was very young, in her mid-twenties…blond hair tied in a pony tail, light pale skin, clear green eyes…slender, wearing a purple blouse and skirt…her legs cross-legged, holding on to a notepad…her eyes looked sympathetic….very calm but emotional, though very controlled. Bette really heard her this time. Heard the words, coming from someone who knew Bette’s thoughts and fears. Carrie was almost intimate in the way she knew Bette…but distant also. Keeping the distance of a therapist and patient)   “……ok…(Bette nodded…..I hear you”.

            She went home but Tina wasn’t there yet. Bette made some herbal tea and sat on the couch, exhausted from the therapy session and from work. She still couldn’t believe her therapist said she loved her…but it was comforting in a way. Helped her. But there was still this unrelenting anger boiling inside of her, at everyone and everything…Bette felt it tear at her nerve endings. At least she knew about it now.

TBC