The moment ebbs…..then breaks……There are….kisses soft gentle kisses. Words in your ears (my ears) the words are:

“Thank you, I needed that. Thank you it’s been so long…..look at me.”

I opened my eyes and I am instantly crushed. Not Carmen. Not even close. Dark hair yes, older yes, but not Carmen. not even close.

Some other moment. Not so random. On the road with guys. Heading to the Marine base. Hearing the jokes about how Helena likes them young. Not caring it’s just the guys. Pulling up to the base after three days of driving around and getting lost. Going in two by two, finding not a lot, some fuel, some food, some ammo, a helicopter in decedent condition getting ambushed by some unknown biker gang, losing most of the guys, getting shot the blinding hot feel of it, shooting some random bikers. Getting out alive the main convoy long gone with the supplies. Bleeding like a pig from the thigh. The same thigh Helena had her hot hand on. Having saved J.R. from the biker who was aiming right at him, having pulled Flip out having gone beyond the call, no one laughing on the way back.

I wasn’t a kid anymore.

Chapter Four

Those random all over the place moments are the way they were supposed to be. It was chaos for me.. misshapen and random. Things inside breaking for the hope and peace of being fixed. Taking chances not opening my eyes, I felt I had to do it to stay alive. To stay in time with her…Carmen.

I walk back down. Darkness all around, moonlight.

I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to be thinking about someone who is most likely dead. I don’t want to think about Carmen when I am with Helena. I like Helena. I like her goodness. I like her belief that we are doing something right. That we are helping. I think about that moment when we got back from the Marine base. I think about how she didn’t cry when she saw all the blood, when they carried me to the infirmary.