This is one of those moments where I have found myself forced to confront something that maybe had not occurred to me. Do I love Helena? I could answer this question. I could come face to face with something that quite possibly I have buried like so much dead and broken things. I can’t however wrap my mind around why she would ask me this at a moment like this. Its seems to me that maybe….just motherfucking maybe….there is something more important than; are you in love with Helena fucking Peabody!

Restraint….calm……..not working…….I wish that the sky was indeed falling.

I close my eyes and briefly….Picture it:

Standing on the top of this mountain…..As red balls of mountains crumble and drop down from Heaven, not my Heaven of mountain top you see but the Heaven mountain top of scripture. The sky just burns and crumbles shattering vision and making everything silent but the screams. I stand on this very haven of mountain top knowing and I feel a calm because it’s the end. Carmen stands with me because where else would she stand. Little specs of flaming dust flick and burn us where we stand but we don’t move, we stare longingly into each others eyes and we don’t speak useless lies and petty information. We are trapped in a moment as the very insects themselves burn in the air and swarm down and fall like so much legs and arms. Everyone beneath us runs and there is nowhere to hide, the burning fog of clouds touching the ground chokes them where they stand, the flaming birds of death swoop down and finish them off, Carmen holds my hand even though it burns and hurts her, she moves closer to me as if we needed to be warmer, her lips kiss me and then it ends.

She is still waiting on my answer.

“I can’t believe you are asking me this. I think you are out of your mind…..”

“You’re right…..I’m sorry…..I don’t know what I was thinking……I haven’t felt right for a long time…..it….wasn’t always….forced……once I knew it was your brother…….”