I could smell her cleanness on me. Like lemon she smells. Clean and vibrant and alive.

Little by little not thinking about Carmen. Not mentioning her name. Little by little everything I use to think about her, every notion or craving, little by little slowing fading away. Bread and water then fruit then waking to Helena reading to me.

Some wonderful story of a woman who use to be a fashion model. Everyday Helena and that leather and wild wavy hair, that blue eye fixed on me so intent as she read the hair brained adventure of the maimed model and her traveling circus of woe, the name changes, the pills, the out right sarcasm, I laughed and laughed when she mentioned, the model in the story that is, hell Helena laughed too out loud the both of us in a make shift prison cell in her wine cellar we laughed and laughed when the model said that the birds ate her face. It was that funny.

Once we where done and the tears dried from our eyes she said to me:

“You see Shane….there is meaning in all of life. Laugh you are free……”

She unlocked my cage and set me free again. And I followed her mindless and soundless to her room. It was a nice room, still is. She lead me to her private bath and stripped me of my soiled and lived in clothes and got a warm bath ready for me. She spoke some more as stared at her wallpaper. Groves of trees and little birds all in a make believe paradise. I didn’t hear her at first her words were so low. Little by little they crept in. little by little I got what she was saying.

“…….What you need is for someone to want you. Too need you. And I do. I want to everything about you. I want you to know everything about me. But we can’t have you running around like it’s the end of the world again. That just won’t do. I am sorry I had to break you, but you wouldn’t function. And I understand better than you think. I can tell you the whole story but you have to be a member of this society. You can’t run around as if your suffering is exclusive. No one here is impressed with it, not even me. You see Shane there simply is too much suffering in the world for your broken heart. So snap out of it get cleaned up and maybe we can get to know each other so you won’t have to run around like there is a hole inside you or something. What do you say?”

What could I say? She had me all figured out just like Carmen did. Another fucking mind reader. Was it cause she was older like Carmen? Was it cause she was a woman and knew the feeling? Whatever it was she was another fucking mind reader and I liked it almost as much as I hated it. So I did the unexpected and pulled her in with me.

She was surprise to say the least. She kissed me not like Carmen who was all feeling and savage; no it was not savage more like it was timid and sweet. I tried to deepen the kiss and it only made her more nervous. She was trying to get away and I wouldn’t let her. Water splashing all over, my hands running over her hardening nipples, breaking her open, buttons flying over and all around. Freeing her from herself, getting inside, the wonder and feel of her exploding feelings, wondrously caught in that one beautiful eye.

She did not expect for it to happened at all at that moment. She didn’t expect to come that hard or shiver that fast. Everything coming out of her mouth was a curse to god and to me for making her so loose and warm all over. She tried to get away but I wouldn’t let her so instead we kissed till the water got cold. Instead she helped me out and toweled me dry and we slept in her bed then she told me her whole story.

Already trying to influence me. Already trying to get me to not think about Carmen. Already trying to control me…..like I didn’t get enough of that with Carmen……

Tbc……