What she and Dana had decided was there would be parts of their journal they would share with each other. Dana had also insisted they have parts only to be discussed with Jacq, when they had one on one time with her.

At first it hurt Alice’s feelings thinking Dana had always shared everything with her, then she realized that Dana was probably the wiser of the two, because if there was a fear that total honesty would hurt the other person, they wouldn’t be totally honest, and without that Jacq couldn’t do her job. So in agreeing that it all didn’t have to be shared with the other, they really were opening themselves for absolute honesty.

After making a folder in her computer for her journal, and dating the first entry, Alice sat there and stared at the blank screen, wondering where to start. She started to think to herself how funny it was that the writer was having a hard time writing.


ALICE’S JOURNAL

It strikes me funny that I as a journalist have never keep a journal before. Writing down ones feelings require thinking about ones feelings. Thinking about ones feelings means confronting ones feelings. Confronting ones feelings means having to feel ones feelings. That is probably why I , the journalist have never kept a journal.

Today is the first day Dana has gone on with her life without one of us pushing her out the door. I’m proud of her for taking this step. I too am going to try to go on with my life. Shane is suppose to pick me up in about 30 minutes, and I’m thinking about what will happen today. I’m not worried about going to my apartment, I’ve already done that once with Shane and everything was OK. It funny how thinking about my apartment at this time doesn’t feel like home anymore.

I guess I have to say other than some fears that are starting to poke their heads up every now and then. One of the biggest changes that has happened since the assault is my feeling of home. I remember as a child watching silly comedies on TV and wishing I had homes like everyone else. A place were you felt loved and safe, but that wasn’t my childhood.


Then after college, I discovered my circle of friends and for once in my life I had the family I always wanted, granted it was a family of ***** women, but it was a family that loved me. It was also around the same time of meeting these women I moved into the apartment I still live in today. It was my place, my home and I was safe. I didn’t have to worry about Mom losing a part or getting a part and us moving into something bigger or smaller. I didn’t have to worry about mom meeting a new man, and us moving in with him or worse him moving in with us. My apartment was my home, it was safe and it was mine, so up until the beating I had everything those comedies had, a safe home and a family that loves me.

Now I feel like I’m not safe anymore, and the only time I do feel safe is when I’m here in Dana’s home, being taken care of by Dana. Dana has became home for me. She keeps me safe, she takes care of my pain, she even help to chase off the nightmares. My mother didn’t even do that. That is why I need to work on getting better. Because if I don’t I can see myself becoming totally dependent on Dana, and that is not what I want for either of us.

I also know I need to address some of my fears that have popped up lately. I haven’t talked to anyone about them yet, and I know today I will take my first steps in addressing them.

I am scared.

I am scared to go to work and have to face everyone.

I am scared to go out alone and not know who might be out there.

I am scared of being *****, because now I know there are people who hate me because of this.

So one by one, I plan to face these fears, and hopefully work through them, so I can have my life back one day, and by me getting my life back, hopefully Dana can have hers back also.

Alice saved this entry into her computer, then gathered her things together and waited for Shane.

TBC

Sorry for such a short chapter. I was a little under the weather for a few days. Then I had to work this weekend, I’m sure most of you understand. I’m hoping to be able to write a little more consistently in the next few days. So hopefully if won’t take as long to post the next chapter.

Thanks Jac for the proof reading.

Thanks especially to you guys, for reading and commenting, your comments always make my day. Deb