Thats an answer you have to search your own heart for. Its not something that will come easy either. I think when you see her, you just have to say whats in your heartand listen to what she has to say as well. She may be just as hurt as you areor she may not have any feeling one way or the other. I only wishbut I cant get that lucky.

Bette? James opens the door while calling my name. Without a word, I look at him. Candace is on line two for you. Hes not sure if he should have told me that.

Thank you, James. I finally saywithout emotion or gesture.

I walk to my desk and pick up the phone. Bette Porter, I say into the receiver.

Bette, its Candace, she begins. Does she want me to come to her? I wonder where she is. Yolanda went into labor, so I have to take her to the hospital. I wont be able to come by today.

Okay, I say, half relievedhalf paralyzed. Uh, good luck. I say just before hearing the click of her hanging up. I follow suit, but leave my hand on the phone. She sounded calm. I wouldnt be that calmI wouldnt be calm at all. Tina would have to talk to me the whole time just to keep me focused. Shes always been my centermy beacon of lightguiding me through my own rough seas.

Bette? Father Andy regains my attention. What did she say? Is she coming by?

Uh, no. Her partneruh, ex-partner just went into labor.

Labor, he asks. Theyre having a baby together? Like you andTina wanted to? He paused before her namehe couldnt remember it for a moment. What are you thinking about?

I sit in my chair, finally removing my hand from the phone. As Father Andy sits in front of me, I say, we wanted a family so much. I place my elbows on my desk and lean my head into my handsshakinga small puddle of tears begins to form on the smooth, cold surface of my desk. We wanted a family.