Fan Fiction
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Sleeping Rough – Bette Porter Tina Kennard L Word
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Then I spy inside the case the perfect blade for whatever business may come my way next. The sexiest, meanest knife I’ve ever seen, the Ultimate Extractor Bowie Red Camo knife with an eight-inch devastating looking blade.
“That one, please.” I unthread the antler handled Bowie knife and strap this very big, very sharp, and very wicked looking blood red from hilt to menacing tip – killing tool on my belt. Lifting it out of its scabbard I wrap my fingers around the grooves of the handgrip that fit me perfectly. I thumb along the fiercely sharp steel edges running along the top. They are serrated with terrible looking teeth. All I can do is say,
“I’ll take it.”
As I’m leaving I ask the security guard at the door, “What’s the state law in Washington for carrying a knife on your belt?”
“Just a knife, nothing. Swords we don’t allow. Where are you from anyway?”
“California.”
“Cute kid.”
“Thanks.” My phone rings. It’s Alice. I decide to not ignore her nineteenth call. ”Alice.”
“Bette! Oh my God, where are you?” Alice lowers her voice conspiratorially, “They’re looking for you, you know.”
“I’m ready for them.” I lean against the car and open one of my plastic WalMart sacks. I thread the scabbard along my belt and slide in my bitching red camo knife. “Crap. I forgot to rinse out the sippy cup in the store.” I blow inside it instead then fill it with apple juice for Angelica.
“Bette, we’re checking out in an hour. Shane’s completely MIA, completely missing but Tina’s still here, Bette. And Man! Is she fucking mad!”
“So, am I, Alice,” I seeth, but tersely.
“Well, other unexpected things happened after you left.” Alice takes a breath.
“Like what?”
“Well, Helena got booted off the jet, and Peggy flew away with the Preacher-lady. That no one saw coming.”
”I love Peggy Peabody.” I smile at the thought of our take down combo yesterday.
”So, she’s called you – Tina has – like a million times.”
“I know. I can’t figure out how to block her number.”
“Oh, that’s easy. You just…” Alice stops. “Bette,” she begins to whisper, “I’ve got to go. Just don’t do anything stupid. And come home.”
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Bette is definitely and officially fucking nuts! Deranged! Wally World is her go to store? Very funny! You perfectly captured Bette’s Vancouver insanity. I loved the scene in Joyce’s office. Bette had her swerve on w/her clever and sharp toned comments to Tina. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Excellent! You turned a terrible chapter in Bette’s life to the Alpha that we love so well full of courage and unswerving convictions. It was so funny…Bette wanting to skin Henry alive and great job of showing us the Bowie knife. I lost it when I read about the “wolf protector”! Care to share what Joyce’s report was about?
Both Bette and Tina are nuts here. Loved the piqued interest as she explores WalMart. Bring it on!
It was totally crazy! :D
I leaned in laughter during the shopping trip. this would be an interesting twist in the story, see Henry skinned alive :D I bet, you can even write about this. but I’m not so cruel ;)
I look forward to how they’re starting fix their relationship.
I look forward to the next chapter
Walmart scene was too funny, thanks.
This is the part where everything in their life…”is kinda crazy”.. :(
But Bette in Wal-Mart is hilarious!
Bette’s got her mojo back. You can’t keep a good woman down for long. Each of them drove the other to the edge of the precipice and it concluded with explosive reaction. But the underlying current still exists as they both admitted to it.
The scene in Wal-Mart was priceless as Bette was dropped into a new world of possibilities. The knife was a good touch. Her snootiness of being a consumer was changed a bit with what was offered to her in her time of need.
I love the way Joyce deals with them when they’re more into shouting then listening. She has a way of getting them back to what’s important when no one else can. Great chapter once again, Thank you for your unique insight into this world.
LOL Bette going nuts was hilarious, but sad at the same time. It’s wonderdul how you wrote her feelings (in a funny but not ‘too much’ way; it’s just real) I could really feel her wanting to injure Henry (… and I’d gladly help her). It’s true, sometimes bad things in life lead you to think about some of the craziest things ever… after all, he’s one of the many things that took the love of her life away from her.
Thanks, again, for another amazing chapter! So looking forward to reading the next one.
Bette has went “out of control” when she kidnapped her daughter from Tina. it was extreme expecially when she bought the knife from Walmart. Hilarious paragraph about Bette not know what “Walmart” is until she shopped there. it was very funny. the one thing i hate is, tina and bette argument from their attorney’s meeting. heartbreaking!!!. i really enjoy this story. you written so much good stories i had read in past few weeks. keep them coming cuz i look forward to them.. always!!!
You are absolutely correct, Ms. BB. Bette is a lovable snob. Did she expect to find Manolos interspersed amongst the Crocs? Or perhaps, an Armani stashed by a made in Viet Nam suit? And Ms. Porter is truly a Cursing Goddess. There is a funny video on YouTube where Bette curses up a storm….lots of F Yous and Shits. JB does it with such panache. I love reading her narratives. Keep up the great work! It’s difficult to be funny in print but you do it so well.
Haven’t commented on this fabulous series of stories, yet, but they are… fabulous. Wonderful therapy for what I think of as Post Traumatic S3-Disorder (PTS3D).
I realise now that I missed out on these stories last year and I am delighted to now be reading them.
I agree so with all the comments also and love the thought of Post Traumatic S3-Disorder which I certainly suffered from.
Brilliant BB, thanks.