’Bette?’ Tina had called from the bedroom, and I had replied with ’Just a second, baby.’

It must have been way longer than just a second . Every minute had been longer than just a second . Just a second should have meant – right this second.

’Keep them coming Paul. Just keep them coming.’ I slurred. The bar was a merry-go-round, one of carrousels for kids, with horses. It turned and turned.

When I had finally entered the bedroom, Tina hadn’t been there. My heart had suddenly been gripped by an icy hand of dread.

There, sprawled across the bathroom floor, she had been, surrounded by a pool of blood that had stained the stark whiteness beneath them. The world had shattered into a million fractured pieces, and I had been left standing on the precipice of an unthinkable nightmare.

I had fallen on my knees, wanting to scream, to cry out for help, but my voice had seemed trapped in my throat. I had been able to only whisper her name. But she hadn’t heard me.

The ambulance. The hospital. Everything had been a blur. Except for; I’m sorry Mrs. Porter, there was nothing we could do. But your wife made it. You can see her now. She’s going to be ok.

’Give me the bottle.’ I tried to stand up to reach for it, but a surprisingly strong hand pushed me down.

’You had enough. I’m taking you home.’ Renee’s voice was so stern, I didn’t even think to go against it.

***

The taste in my mouth was a bitter symphony of regret and revolt, the tang of stomach acid mingled with the remnants of alcohol, creating a nauseating concoction that seemed to linger and coat every inch of my palate. The white tiles of Renee’s bathroom felt cool against my burning cheek. ’I’m sorry.. I’m so sorry.’ I wasn’t sure if tears or sweat were stinging my face.

The sudden feel of a wet washing cloth washed it away. And then there were soft hands, the hands of a loving mother that caressed me. ’Shh, I love you.’ Renee whispered.

’I’m so sorry.’ Was I sorry for burdening her with this now? Was I sorry for drinking and puking in her toilet. For keeping her awake? Worrying her? Was it for being away for so long? For not being there when she needed me? When they needed me? For that second? For being a complete failure? For not being the wife I had promised to be? For not protecting her? For loosing her? I was sorry for every fucking thing in my life.