This moments, this tender, affectionate moment here surrounded by Shane, this doesnt feel right either. I dont belong here with her, loving Dana. I dont belong with Dana, living happily ever after on our beach, thinking about Shane. I dont want this and I dont want that, but I cant help needing both. Its not fair. Lifes never fair.

What was suppose to be nothing? she asks when I have stilled.

I bury my face in the crook of her neck. The scent of her assaults my senses. Im lost. I need to pull back but I need this too. I need her to hold me and not let me fall. I need her to pick up the shards of my shattered life and piece it back together. Most of all, I need her to hand me, whole, over to Dana.

You and I cant be more than friends, I tell her, Please let me go.

~~

Alice?

Her voice is so timid. I squeeze my eyes shut at the thought of what she must be going through at that very second. A rejection from me so soon after the ultimate rejection from Tanya. Im a jerk. I run a hand over the light sheen of sweat upon my face. Rolling out of bed, I stand quickly. My eyes avoid hers. I make some poor excuse and dash out of the room. She calls after me but doesnt follow.

Im sorry. I cant, I whisper the apology to no one in specific. She cant hear me.

Outside, I lean my head against the cool, wooden surface of her door, trying my best to calm the wild pounding of my heart. Ive hurt her. It leaves the worst aftertaste in my mouth. I cant rid myself of it. It only serves as a reminder of what I have done. A dark anger is stirring deep within me. Ive hurt Dana, and I know why. Shane.

~~

I cant, she says. Denying me my wishes.

Just like before, we turn back to what is familiar. A battle of dueling lips, scrapping teeth. Cold burn. It scorches me. Taking and wanting. Needing. Its an exorcism for all my tainted thoughts. No thinking just taking, wanting and needing. Its desperate and raw. Its the realest thing I have ever had.