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Boundary Between Fear and Love – Chapter 5
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I think Im staring blankly at her, because my mind is a blank right now. So not what I was expecting to hear. Im not sure what to say, but I know I have to say something. I just have no idea what the right answer is.
Um, Dane. I just never really thought about it. I wouldnt make much of a mother. I shift a little on the couch so that I can look at her. She doesnt appear to like my answer. But for goodness sake, where did this come from. Im not handling this well. I really dont think Id do too well with kids. I never really expected that kind of life for myself. Not that I wouldnt want it, but that it would happen? Come on. She looks so disappointed, like I let her down. I mean a few weeks ago we were talking about letting the mouse breathe, where do kids fall into that?
Dane, its not that I dont want it, its just… How the ***** do I explain this? Oh, I know, throw it over the fence and have her answer, yeah. Is this something you want?
Im a little scared of her answer.
She looks up at me and gets this small nervous grin on her face. I just want to squeeze her. Not like tomorrow. But, yeah, I think so. I used to imagine what my life would be like when Im a grown up. And now, Im like this adult, and for the longest time, I figured it wouldnt happen. It was just a dream or something. Like my parents, they have the image down, but in reality, its not a very warm house, you know? But now, I can totally see it. You did that, you know. You gave that back to me. Shes looking at me trying to gauge my reaction and I cant give her one. I dont have one. Its possibly the sweetest thing Ive ever heard, but after our conversation today, me thinks the lady doeth agree too much.
And Al, you would make a great Mom. You are like the most loving person ever and your fun. You would be the best mom. There is this part of me, and its growing by the second, that would love to buy into this dream world shes creating for us, but its way too good of a fantasy to buy into. It would suck too much if that fantasy didnt come true.
I look away from her, unable to match her gaze, Thanks, Dane, but Im not so sure. After a few moments of silence, I look up at her and find her staring at me. I cant figure out the look, it isnt angry, but it isnt Dana. Its something.
Her eyes arent moving from mine. They are shifting between my eyes, like to make sure she doesnt miss something, she puts her hand on my heart. That heart, could never be a bad mother. And I dont want to hear that from you again. Do you understand me? I just nod, unable to speak, more than a little taken aback by the veracity in her words.
Al, Im serious. I hate when you put yourself down like that. I dont get it. Please, dont say things like that. Her eyes are tearing. Is that because I put myself down or because of something Ive totally missed. I wiped the tear that began to fall down her cheek. She really knows me too well.
Im sorry, it just hurts that you dont see what I see and I dont know how to get you to. She is silent for a minute, but she has that look that says she isnt done, so I wait, after a second, she finds her thoughts, I wish you could see yourself through my eyes for just a minute. Youd never doubt yourself again.
The sincerity in her eyes makes me accept it. Even if only for a second. And damn does that feel good. I reach to touch her face, a tear now falling down my cheek. I love you, Dane. So ***** much. I just love you.
tbc
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I know I already told you this but it can’t be said enough. Nobody writes Alice better than you, I would gladly take your version of Danish over the one on TV. You have just made my day.
There was a lot that I liked about this chapter, but I’m just going to comment on the three I loved best.
1. in the recap from the last chapter with the Alice POV of how people get over the novelty of her quickly. Aw.
2. The Dana being more touchy feely than usual. Yes! So spot-on. Dana is the less touchy-feely person whereas Alice IS more tactile. I loved that
3. “You gave that back to me” and that entire discussion on Dana’s childhood home lacking warmth and Alice’s insecurities about her ability to be a good mother.
There was more, and I’ll probably go back and comment more on that, but eh, this is it for now. And thanks for the comment in my journal!
Sulkygeek – thank you – and I so stole the Bette in dirty clothes from you – but I loved it and had to use it. Sorry!
I feel like I’m reading Alice’s journal right now…the way that way you portray Alice is perfect. Her words, thoughts, insecurities, strengths, actions–it’s absolutely Alice.
My favorite line is, “I wish you could see yourself through my eyes for just a minute. You’d never doubt yourself again.” I’ve always thought that to be true in life. Possibly the best portrayal of Danish–Showtime should hire you. Post soon!!
I love this story. I look forward to your updates. How I wish we would see something similar to this in S3 (never hurts to wish, even though the other writers have me liking the Helacious!). Thanks for giving us a version of Danish without the spoiler issues. Great writing.
you are the best fanfic writer of all time – please post soon. and drowning too. i am addicted to your stories.
I couldnt stay away any longer, I had to read this chapter! This story is so much fun, I love Alice’s thoughts. “She’s handy that way.” For some reason that one had me cracking up lol.
“dana doesn’t need any glasses.” No but you know she’d look hot in them. :P
You never disappoint me, ever in angs chapters. For my happiness this is not the case, beautiful. Thanks. And I agree people do dumb things a lot, but I need to believe in the humanity :P, that is called utopia and I know IC doesn’t know it, but for that exist the fanfiction.
Loved it, especially Dana’s speech at the end.
love the way you ended the chapter with alice accepting dana’s love and how dana is there just innocently loving her. dang insecurities. thanks for sharing the song too, it’s really nice. you’re doing great and this is one of the stories i really look forward to reading updates on. love it!
Wow, lucia, I thought you couldn’t better the last chapter, but you did! The way you write Alice’s POV is awesome, so apprehensive and cutting. It’s really well-observed and beautifully written. Thanks for posting.
beautiful