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Chandelier – 42
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"How did that realization end with you being here, now?" Bette questioned.
"I gave up the fantasy, and it made me realize it was little, compared to what I had wanted with you. And what I still want with you. The kids, the home. It made me realize I wasn’t ready to give up on you."
"Harsh way of showing it," Bette said softly.
"It also made me realize how badly I’d fucked up, and I knew I had things to do, before I could take a shot at that again." Tina gazed up at Bette. "So I moved out, try to figure some things out for myself. I was in danger of losing myself again, and I gave myself a single goal, and that was to be good for Angelica. I had to stop the dependency on my relationships, going from one relationship to another just to avoid being alone. I was just starting to get to a place where I was feeling good about myself again, and feeling like I’ve gained some redemption for that lunch, when you knocked on my door that Friday night."
Bette smiled, and Tina almost immediately looked away, avoiding her gaze again. "What now?"
"Somewhere else down this beach I made the decision that I was going to sleep with Henry."
"But you’re not with Henry anymore."
"I hate that I made that decision, even while I was still staying at our house." Tina admitted, wondering why Bette refused to release her from her arms. Personally, she’d have let herself go the minute she had admitted to denying Angelica.
"I don’t know what you said, or what he said, or what else happened between the two of you," Bette said gently, drawing Tina’s attention, "but I know this: we’re still here. After everything, after what we’ve done, how we felt, how bad we’d become for each other. When we’re good together, T, we’re really good. I love you. And I don’t want to diminish that by holding something like some guy against you."
"I’m sorry," Tina offered softly. "And you should know, I forgave you for Candace, a long time ago. I don’t know how it happened, and I can’t deny that it still hurts, but I see the effort you’ve put into making up for it. But I can’t help it, waiting for the other shoe to drop, when the day’s going to come that you’ll feel like not being with me anymore. Or what will happen the next time there’s someone else you’re attracted to."
"It won’t happen again," Bette promised, watching how the wind, haphazard in its direction, made Tina’s blond hair wild.
Tina shook her head. "Earlier? You know how I tell you, when I get out of those sessions I look for ways to kind of even the field a little?"
"Vaguely." Bette admitted.
"When I started talking earlier, I wanted to apologize. When I brought up the affair, it was to admit my miscomings during that period. I fucked up. I wasn’t there for you. In a way, I guess, I feel horrible because in some form, I led you to her." Tina looked at Bette. "But you got defensive, and I got defensive, and it spun out of control. I didn’t mean to accuse you anything. I meant to say I’m sorry."
"You could have fooled me." Bette said softly.
"It’s just so hard," Tina admitted. "There’s something about that time, the events… It wasn’t all you, B. You weren’t the only one who fucked up. I get that now."
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Always amazing to see Tina DEAL with something. Could this be reason to hope?
Love the way you are writing this story. Confronting the demons of the past to move forward. Thanks for this story.
I bow down to your glorious writing, TD. Today, I read this article about Uma Thurman and here’s what she said about love and relationships. It gave me hope for our gals. Yeah, I know they are fictional. Uma said,”You need to want to be forgiving. If you love the person then you’ll forgive the unforgivable.” It can be both good and bad but in B & T’s case, I wish to believe it is good. Now, I am going to reread this chapter.
Uma Thurman is being quoted a lot. If only IC would see it the way. thanks
I sense that the next chapter will have the end of this conversation as it ended somewhat abruptly. I wonder if that Uma Thurman quote can go along with: “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” Still trying to figure out what the writer of “Love Story” was smoking when that line was born as I don’t get it at all.
Will you just kidnap Bette, Tina and Angelica and never return them to you know who. You have taken a very difficult time in B&T’s life and helped them look into their reasons for fucking everything up. All these reasons that both B&T have stated are so true to their character. What is nice about this story is that they are actually communicating and showing each other that they do love one another and want desperately to have the family that they once dreamed about. No matter how much what they are saying is hurting the other at least now all that pain has been put on the table per se. Keep bringing us this love stroy.
amazing writting as usual, i love how B&T continue figthing for each other and to keep their relationship! this is a good way to fix things: Talking!
i love youe explanations of tina’s behavior because it was never explained on the show…the hope is there, especially because word LOVE was mentioned so often..i love the way you deal with this mess…just perfect, thank you
Wonderful chapter – I especially love how Tina had one intention but the old patterns just well up and rule the day sometimes – I love how you kept them working at it with both of them showing their true willingness to get through these tough topics. Very well written and so powerfully honest about how couples do their dance. Regarding Tina coming clean on not standing up as Angelica’s mother – this is important this couple needs to deal with this for Angelica’s sake and I think Tina needs Bette;s help to understand her feelings and reactions. Makes me wonder if Bette’s mother also thought she couldn’t be there for her biracial child. Obviously how you wrote this got me thinking and that speaks to the elegance and thoughtfulness of your storytelling abilities. Thanks so much.
well gosh. you didn’t have to put it in bold. and i DID put the ‘now’ on the end. i swear i did. snarky snarky. *grin* p.s. great update. *generic but apt compliment*
Wow this is amazing and hope this is help them to work thing out. Ok post soon please, thanks!
Thanks for another wonderfully insightful chapter! “There’s something about that time, the events… It wasn’t all you, B. You weren’t the only one who fucked up. I get that now.” So glad that they could communicate openly without anyone becoming defensive again! And I’m hoping that this is the foundation that they are re-laying to begin their journey anew!
love how they are talking, fighting and just plain working it out.
love the Snow Patrol song. i remember thinking of B&T when listening to it. thanks tiff, for giving a voice to Tina in your stories. and also for making these two talk. another great update :)
If they broke up (god forbidden), it’s harder for Bette to move on. But once did, Bette would live much more happier than Tina.
i love this story…this is one of the stories i have to look for on a daily basis to see if it is updated….so please update soon!
Excellent writing as always.
Thank you Tiff for another wonderful update – now are they going to walk along the beach and chase away the ghosts of decisions past made there – make new memories. memorable memories?
Love the way they are talking things through, look forward kissing and making up
I can’t wait to see them happy again with Angelica having forgetting this chaotic time of their lives and moving forward to a smooth loving future…
Tiff, great chapter, as usual. I liked how Tina was able to explain that she was trying to apologize, then up came the defenses and ruined everything. Hopefully, they learned something from this!
Gosh, I am glad to read that someone else saw how “AWFUL” it was that Tina did correct the couple when they assumed that “A” was adopted. I was watching that ep the other day. That’s why I was rooting for Bette for soul custody.
Thanks Tiff!
Forward this story to IC maybe she can use it to redeem Tina and put them together again. I don’t think she can or will do it on her own
Having a mother who denies you, that’s what is ‘a lot to put on one child’. Tina is fulfilling her own prediction from S1. Thank goodness Angelica was too young to understand the situation. Bette’s decision to go for sole custody was based on her intuition. I remember that Bette caught flack on almost all of the boards for worrying about Tina wanting men in S1. Seems she was very perceptive about Tina, all the way around. Vitriol, thy name is TG! Goodnight!
When you are the ‘mainstream’ person in an interracial relationship there’s always the option to hang back and say nothing when the slurs come along. I judge my friends on their willingness to speak truth in those situations. Based on what went down at that restaurant, Tina couldn’t be my friend. …There, I said it. …Bette should think about this. This is the second time Tina has done the crawdad backstep on the race issue. Angelica deserves better. Well, at least she’s admitting what a coward she is. Admitting is the first step! Thanks for filling the gaps!
“Oprah be getting people to tell EVERYTHING. ” ….Except for GAYYYle! …O don’t tell her own bizness, does she?
Bette had a good point Tina can’t keep bringing up the affair whenever they have an argument. I mean tina was with Helena and rubbed Bette’s face in that, and I do believe Helena got Bette fired from her job. Tina online with Daddy whoever then she tried to get with Josh then she got with Henry in their bedroom, then she took Angelica away. Tina got a whole freakin laundry list of wrongs, but Bette isn’t constantly bringing those up she needs to take a lesson from Bette. I saw Uma on Oprah awhile back and she was hurting I hope she finds happiness…she sounds like she was the wronged party. Oprah be getting people to tell EVERYTHING.
TD, ANother wonderful and charming piece of emotive writing. Amazing how the simple act of holding someone and refusing to let them go can provide such strength and protection. Bette’s humble hug allowed Tina to reveal the deepest and darkest secret in her heart: the denial of her daughter to strangers. This was a truly heartfelt moment as these two individuals melded into one soul. It showed how important communication in a safe and supportive envoronment is. This also gives all of us hope that Bette and Tina can put the past behind them and move on together and unite again. Please post more soon as this was a real delight. Thank you for this marvelous words and magical story telling. Your Loyal Fan.
You’re a brilliant writer. You’re the only writer here I’ve read all ff for. You’re probably even published.
I think perhaps the part you write about Tina feeling bad about people saying Angie is adopted when actually she “is Angies mom” implies that Bette is not actually Angies mom because Better adopted here. Very slippery.
Anyway, like I said you’re a great writer and I wish you could write post S2 of GenQ :)
Ahhh I’m so happy there are so many chapters to this fic so grateful for you