“I can’t stand this uncertainty, I can’t wait and see what the futurs brings because I have to fucking protect myself against the pain and despair, but at the same time nothing can protect me and I just don’t want all of this anymore, I’m sick of it. I don’t want to fucking grow up, I want to be a child, not crying because of her but because I didn’t get that chocolate and I want to be happy because I got a new amazing toy and not because she smiled at me, which means nothing at all anyway. I just… I want another life, I want to be someone else. Sometimes I really just want to go, disappear… not become invisible, but really not being there, not being at all. I don’t want to die, that isn’t it, but sometimes I do wish that I wasn’t born, because if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t feel this way and it’s all so confusing.

“And this is going to sound really stupid, but I sometimes want to talk to ms Kennard about it. I don’t have the illusion that she’ll understand what I’m going through, that she’d even care, I just want her to know who I really am but the again, I don’t want that because I don’t even like who I am, I don’t like this pathetic piece of shit complaining to her best friend abot this when there are kids in Africa starving and people everywhere around the world that live in so much worse circumstances and I feel guilty because I’m whining over this stupid thing called love and I don’t even love her, I don’t know her, and I want to be elsewhere, someone else and then I see her in front of me, walking across the school yard… when she’s alone, her head bowed to the ground a little, her hands in her pockets when it’s chilly, a serious expression on her face, her bag over her shoulder, her shoulders slightly raised, the profile of her face and it makes me go nuts and I want my mother, I really want my mother to hold me and tell me it’s going to be okay. I miss her so much, I wish Daddy had been more careful, I wish he had let his driver do his job.”