She walked into their bedroom and opened the closet, as she pulled out a pair of sweats and a vest from her side of the closet she tried not to look into Tina’s side, she knew that if she did she wouldn’t be able to hold it together.  She had to pull things together.  She had to see Tina, she wasn’t sure what she’s say but she just knew that she had to see her to say anything to try to make her understand to make her see that she loved her more than anything.  She walked over to the bed and sat down with her clothes in her hand, breathing deeply and trying to regain her composure so that she could face her life.  As she opened her eyes they focused to Tina’s bedside table and the small piece of white card that was sticking out of the book she had been reading.  Bette picked up the book and stared at it for a moment, thinking about Tina’s little quirks.  Tina hated it when Bette would fold over the corner of a page to mark her spot, she found these old fold marks in the books that they often shared she would tut and look over at Bette.  In the way that she always did, not angry just disapproving with a slight hint of amusement, and always full of love, as if she could forgive her anything.  As quickly as that thought popped into her head Bette realised that this was the first time in their relationship that this trust between them, unspoken and taken for granted on her part, was gone.  She couldn’t handle thinking about what losing that trust meant for their future, she couldn’t bear to come to the conclusion that she had done something that couldn’t be undone.  Instead she focused on the book, ‘Tipping The Velvet’ and again she wished she could stop the thoughts rolling on and on through her mind.  She had read the book first and as usual had folded down the corners, evoking the usual response from Tina as it always did.  Sometimes subconsciously Bette knew that she did that small thing on purpose, not to annoy or upset Tina.  But because she always felt that Tina knew, that it was some secret game they played, a way for Tina to reassure her insecurities with that one look so that Bette would never actually have to voice them.  So that Bette wouldn’t ever have to actually say it, so she wouldn’t have to lose her grip of control and admit that she wasn’t always strong.  She again tried to force her mind from its painful track onto another path, but once again this only served to remind her of what she’d done.  The main character in the book is cheated on by the love of her life but after the heartache and pain she goes on to find a new life and a new love and leaves the old one behind.  Bette realised that this was the worst possible thing to conceive at this moment, so she focused again on the white card sticking out from the book.  She took out the card and read it – For my baby and our baby.  For Bette this seemed to be the final sign, from God or whoever, that they were not going to let her block out the pain, they were going to make her feel and relive it constantly.  She couldn’t stop the tears that started to flow as she curled up on the bed and wept.