Alice didn’t say anything and the silence, even though it was only a few seconds, felt like forever.  “I’m sorry Bette; she doesn’t want to see you right now.” 

“Oh.umm.ok.  Could you talk to her for me, convince her to see me?

Bette could tell from Alice‘s hesitation and the tone of her voice that Alice was not impressed with the thought of being a pawn in Bette’s attempt to get Tina back. 

“Bette..that’s not my place.”

“Ok, I’m sorry, you’re right it’s not fair on you I guess.  Look will you just do one thing for me?  Look after her?”

“I will.”

“And tell her I love her, she’s so special to me you know that, right?”

“Yeah, I will, ok, yeah.  Bye.”

Alice put the phone down quickly and Bette was sat staring at the receiver in her hand.  She put the phone back in its cradle and sat down on the couch.  She couldn’t remember a time when Tina had ever refused to see her, even when they were taking their first tentative steps in their relationship and Tina had only recently split from Eric and was going through a tough time with her parents, Tina had never refused to see her point blank.  Bette could feel her chest tightening and her hands were beginning to sweat.  Breathe.  She told herself and as she started rocking and repeating her little mantra that she had never forgotten but had not had the need to use in more than 7 years, or more precisely since she had met Tina.  Deep breaths.  In through the nose and out through the mouth.  She repeated the exercise a few times trying to compose herself.  This distance she felt between them was so terrifying.  She had to get out of the house, she was starting to get those feelings that she had begun having again lately even though she thought she’d cured herself of the attacks years ago.  Every second it felt like the walls were moving in on her, the room was getting smaller but the objects in the room were getting bigger, she felt like there wasn’t enough space in the room for her to breath.  This was how the panic attacks had first started to manifest themselves when she was in college.  Those horrible nights when she would wake up in a cold sweat, feeling trapped in an ever decreasing room and feeling so scared that no one could hear her.  It always made her feel like she needed to go somewhere out in the open and just scream.  Throw her head back, raise her arms out to her sides and scream until her voice ran out.  She stood up abruptly; she knew she had to get out of there.  That was the first step in preventing an attack.  She had learnt this in the counselling sessions that she had reluctantly attended under the pressure of her fathers’ stern lectures.  She stood, grabbed her jacket and her keys and walked out of the front door, one step at a time.