I pulled the pillow over my face tighter, hoping NOT to kill myself, but rather to smother myself just enough to lose consciousness and create a temporary brain lapse. Maybe then I could forget about mistakenly sending Ks mother that *****-filled, emotionally charged, heart-felt e-mail. Maybe then I could erase the memory of blackening Ks eye albeit an accidental discoloring. Maybe then I could live with the embarrassment of being the moronic L-word addict that I am. Maybe then I could obliterate the perpetual images of me air ***** that hot ER intern or bending my gorgeous therapist over her desk and Bette ***** her into next week – images which invaded my brain on a daily basis

I took a really deep breath, held it, then pulled the pillow down so I covered my nose and mouth. As I lie on the leather couch in my shrinks office with my face completely hidden, I let my thoughts of the past few days filter through my brain as I tried to sort them out and simply wonder WHAT THE ***** IS WRONG WITH ME . .. WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE SUCH A FATE?

Absent-mindedly I reached under the pillow to touch my bandaged forehead as I recalled hitting my head on the tile floor when I passed out. The fall had broken the stitches I still sported after running into a light pole several days earlier while reading a ***** message from my HotPen. Even now as I think back, I simply can not remember which of the mortifying events triggered the blackout.

I had just finished penning a masterpiece – the most sincere piece of correspondence I think I had ever written in my life. By telling K just how much she meant to me, I thought I might be able to alleviate some of the guilt with which I lived everyday . . .guilt brought on by my never-ending and often inept attempts to deceive my wife as I ran around her back stalking fan fic authors, arranging clandestine lunches, cyber sexing and ***** messaging, lying, cheating, betraying, fooling misleading, tricking and just down right disappointing her. . . all in the name of L . . .I am a weak, pathetic piece-of- ***** addict to everything remotely connected to that show – – I need professional help – I just wish it were working.