Anyway, she’ll ask ‘What about Lara?’

Then I’ll really look like a piece of shit. Lara was easy, uncomplicated. I didn’t leave for Lara. I left because it was too hard, too unstable, too much. Lara just happened to trigger a bunch of crap in us, and she also just happened to be there when I let Alice go because of that crap. I left Alice, and then Lara left me. For Paris. Alice never left me, though.

Ugh. I should’ve never gotten with Tonya. Then, I would’ve gotten a lot of pussy at Dinah Shore and later on I’d realize I loved Alice. Fuck, I’m an idiot.

There was Alice, in her sexy reading glasses and general cuteness; despite the… slightly unwashed look she was sporting. This is so wrong. I treated her like crap and now she’s here for me. I don’t deserve her as a friend or a best friend or a girlfriend. If I could talk, I would tell her that. But…then who? Who would be here with me? My parents? Ugh. Howie? He shouldn’t be forced to drop everything and watch his sister die. No, not die. I can’t die. Even if I don’t deserve Alice, I at least owe it to her to live.

“I don’t.. I don’t think I can live without you,” she’d said. If she doesn’t think she can, I need to live for her.

If I’d have known, when she said that, that it was a possibility… for her to HAVE to live without me … I would’ve never gone.

Ugh, I hate life.

————————————————————————————————————

Alice had called her two days ago, telling her what had happened in between sobs. Dana had almost died.

Life can really throw you off balance.

“Shane, she’s better now, but she still doesn’t look right. Just… don’t expect her to look all recovered and shit. And don’t let her know it, either,” Alice had said into the phone. Shane had immediately lunged for her keys, but she wasn’t allowed to come in till today. She felt terribly guilty, knowing that she and Carmen had been fucking while Dana was having a heart attack.

I should’ve been there. Everyone should have. We were all being selfish and not paying attention to our dying best friend. Everyone except Alice.

She walked slowly through the hall, stopping before the door. She put on a small smile and walked through.

“Hey Dane!” Shane whispered, making Dana’s eyes dart from Alice’s face to her own. She walked over, reaching down and placing a small kiss on Dana’s sunken in, cold cheek. Her face had a slight blue hue, and she was huddled in layers. “I know you’re not supposed to talk right now, but I love you so much Dana, and don’t ever scare me like that again. We all love you.”

Dana nodded slightly, looking at Alice again. Alice stood up and hugged Shane tightly, glad she was finally here. Maybe Dana would stop staring at her.

“Everyone really wants to see you but we’re not allowed till you get better. Bette and Jenny are home, they’re all coming… I’m not even allowed to stay any longer than this. I love you Dane, you have to keep fighting. Alright, I’ll come back with everyone soon. Bye,” Shane said, rushing towards the end. Thinking about it was making her eyes tear. She grabbed one of Dana’s hands, squeezing it, before rushing out through the door.

“Well, that was fast.” Alice said, surprised. She turned around to face Dana again, sitting down in that damn chair. Dana was still staring. Alice sighed. She reached out and took the hand closest to her, holding Dana’s strange gaze till they both fell asleep.