From: PorterB @ CalArtsCtr.com
To: ChristineK @ NoISP.com
30 May 2004 9:04am
Chris,
I hope this catches you before you leave. Happy a wonderful trip and thank you again for your friendship.
Bette

From: ChristineK @ NoISP.com
To: PorterB @ CalArtsCtr.com
30 May 2004 9:26 pm
Bette,
Ive returned from taking Chris to the airport. It feels strange being in her house alone. Except for a few hours here and there when she has been at the university, this is the first time since I have been here that I have been alone.
This is also the most alone I have ever felt. When I am upset, my first instinct is to turn to you for comfort. I cannot do that now. I must make my own comfort. In a way, it feels good knowing that I can do that.
Somewhere along the way, I lost a piece of myself. I became Mrs. Bette Porter and stopping being Christina Kennard. I am not blaming you for that. It is a process that I allowed to happen. One some level, I think that I wanted it to happen. You see, I grew up in an environment where you got married and became Mrs. Somebody. There was a big joke among my friends about going to college for an MRS degree.
When I decided to leave North Carolina and pursue my dreams, I thought I expunged myself of the North Carolina attitudes. I guess that there is still much of the Carolina girl left in me. Even though the way I did it was unacceptable, I followed the time honored tradition of giving up myself and becoming a Mrs. I became part of what I had run away to avoid becoming.
You are such an incredibly dynamic woman Bette. You have this way of walking into a room and becoming the center of the universe. I fell completely under your spell.
I guess what I am trying to say is that, you didnt do anything to me that I didnt allow to happen except for your affair. I guess I allowed that to happen too. I knew that we had lost something along the way and I didnt stop to try to find it anymore than you did.
Just because I realize that I allowed things to happen doesnt mean they should have happened. Just because I allowed you to hurt me doesnt mean that you should have hurt me in the first place. Just because I allowed you to take me for granted doesnt mean that you should have taken me for granted in the first place. Just because I allowed you to disrespect my feelings doesnt mean that you should have disrespected them in the first place.
Somewhere along the way, I stopped being your first priority, if I had ever been your first priority. Sometimes, I dont think that you are capable of having a first priority that isnt Bette Porter, but then I knew that you were self absorbed from the beginning.
Ive done a lot of thinking since I have been here. Ive listened to a lot of advice from my friend who isnt capable of having a relationship, needless to say I am not sure of the quality of her advice.
Weve both got a lot of thinking to do about what we want from the rest of our lives. I know that I dont want to be some convenient toy that you can play with when you want and then shove aside when your father or your work or your anger come into the picture.
When we first began dating, you made me feel as though the world revolved around me. I want a relationship that feels like that. I realize that isnt reality. Real life gets in the way, but I dont even again want to be a convenient Mrs. Somebody who is good for picking up the dry cleaning or being a trophy wife at art shows. I want someone who respects me enough to keep me in the front seat and not shove me in the back seat like a 2nd class citizen just because their father is in town.
Maybe I am asking too much from a relationship and especially too much from you. I dont know that you can or want to provide what I want. I dont know that you want a partner who is an equal. You may want the convenient trophy wife that I became. If that is what you want, then we need to go our separate ways so that we can each find what will make us happy.
I would be lying if I said that I didnt miss you because I do miss you. I dont miss who I was when I was with you.
Tina