From: PorterB @ CalArtsCtr.com
To: ChristineK @ NoISP.com
30 May 2004 10:23 pm
Tina,
I wanted to let you know that I got your email. Thank you for writing to me. I want to take the time to think through what I want to say before I respond to your thoughts, but I just wanted to let you know that I received your message.
I miss you terribly. I miss the beautiful woman who swept me off my feet seven, almost eight, years ago in my gallery. I miss the woman to whom I made vows on the day of our commitment. I miss the woman to whom I knew I would be coming home at night. I miss your face; I miss your voice; I miss your southern accent that comes out when I least expect it; I miss your body; I miss your scent; I miss watching you cook; I miss hearing you laugh; I miss holding you when you cry. I miss that cute little mole on your face; I miss your touch in the middle of the night; I miss hearing you snore; I could go on, but suffice to say that I miss knowing that you are here. This house is so empty without you. It feels as empty as my heart.
Bette

From: PorterB @ CalArtsCtr.com
To: ChristineK @ NoISP.com
30 May 2004 11:20 pm
Tina,
Ive thought more about your email, I am still thinking about it. *****, Ive thought of nothing else for the past several hours.
When I fell for you, it was initially your looks and the chemistry that I felt between us. As I got to know you what I fell in love with went beyond the superficial. I loved that you were my equal. I know that I can be overwhelming to some people; I know that I have a strong personality. One thing that I loved about you was that I felt you were my equal. You didnt let me ride roughshod over you like so many other women. You held your own with me. One thing that separated you from other women I had dated was that I could talk to you. I could talk to you about everything. Ive been around so many women who cant think beyond clothes or the mundane, conversation was not existent because they couldnt converse on more than two or three topics. You were fiercely intelligent and proud of your intelligence. You were well read and knowledgeable on a variety of topics. When I was with you, I wasnt bored after an hour which is what usually happened with other women. Ive slept with women in relationships that were purely sexual because I was too bored with them to do anything but have *****. With you, I was content to be in your company even when we werent in bed.
As much as I was turned on by you, I was happy just to be with you even if I wasnt sleeping with you. No one else had ever done that for me. Even Alice I could only tolerate for so long before I needed to get away. With you, I never wanted to get away.
Candace was just *****. I didnt talk to her because I didnt want to talk to her. I spent no time with her just being with her because I didnt want to be with her. I had no interest in talking with her, taking walks on the beach, sitting beside her while we both read books, or just sitting silently with her listening to music. I had no desire to do any of that with her. I desire to do that only with you.
Sometimes I feel like one of those people with a multiple personality. I am professional Bette and I am partner Bette. I began forgetting to turn off professional Bette when I came home.
The art business is brutal. It is fierce, competitive, take no prisoners. If you slip and falter, there are 50,000 wolves at the door waiting to tear you apart. To be successful in that world, I have learned to be efficient and heartless. Show no signs of weakness because the lions prey on the weakest animal in the herd. The things I have had to do to stay successful in my career breed a certain paranoia. Everyone is a potential enemy.
I became so wrapped up in my paranoia that I forgot that I could show signs of weakness with you. I forgot that you werent one of the lions out on the hunt.
I know that this does not in any way excuse my behavior. I have been forced to take a good, hard look at myself since you have been gone. These thoughts are some of what I am seeing. It is not a pretty picture.
I want to be the partner that you desire. I dont want a Stepford wife. I want Christina Kennard, the woman with whom I fell in love.
Bette