The shame of what I’ve done blooms vividly quick inside of me, horrible. The urge to vomit roils with it, so strong that my mouth fills with saliva. I breathe, hand on my mouth, willing it away. I lay like that, battling it, for a long time. Downstairs, I can hear Jenny talking, her voice quiet but full of wide-eyed excitement, still on the phone.

I hate myself right now. But I cant bring myself to leave the sheets that smell like her. I know how selfish that is, and it makes me more disgusted with myself.

Cars pass outside the open windows, but none of them is the truck. Downstairs, Jenny laughs.

I curl up into a ball and am too disgusted with myself to even cry. But somehow I sleep.

I wake up to the sound of a door slamming. The truck? It sounds like the truck.

I listen, then hear footsteps on the porch, and the front door opening. Its early morning, five or six.

I lie still, pretend to sleep as she comes in. I dont know why. *****, she mutters, probably when she sees me there. It gets very quiet. I sense that she is standing there looking down on me. Finally I toss, roll over and pretend to wake.

Shane. I blink and sit up. Im so sorry. Please, let me explain.

No. I need to sleep. Get out.

Please…

The tears I couldnt feel earlier come now, all down my face.

Please, Ill leave if you just let me explain. I thought…

Darah! I look at her. She is tired, wide-eyed, exasperated. I’m shaking.

Okay, I say, and get up. “Okay.” I slide into my dress and zip it up as best as I can. I dont even bother with the strappy heels, just pick them up with my panties and corset.

She just stands there, looking angry and upset and perplexed by my tears. She has never seen me cry before.

Im sorry, I whisper, my voice fragile like ash, and in that instant I realize that Im fucked on another count.

Because I want to erase that pain from her face, and I have no right.

Because, slowly and gradually, Ive broken every rule I have.