From the beginning your tendency to rush through ***** has bothered me. At first I understood it, and it amused me, because you are so much like me. But after a while it became irritating, and later, even hurtful. This is for many reasons, partly because Im a complete sensualist and that whole wham-bam thing clashes with my own style. Mostly it was because I sensed you were using the ***** as an escape, and that made me feel random, unspecial, like I was just flesh.

I hoped you would loosen up and trust me. And it came to a head that night at the awards thing. When I saw what Cherie did to you…well, Ive never felt so angry or protective in my life. You were standing there stunned, with your eyes all full of tears and I just wanted to pull you into my arms and hold you, you know? After scratching her eyes out, that is.

I felt betrayed when you left. I wanted to comfort you, but you denied me the opportunity. Selfish, I know, but I just want you to know what I was feeling, for context. I was pissed, among other things. And when you never came back I was even more pissed.

For so long now, Shane, Ive just wanted you to relax and trust me and let all the stupid hang-ups go. Just let me love you, because I wasnt joking, I do, you’re my best friend. I see now that its come across as a rejection to me, though I never realized that.

It felt like you were saying I dont trust you enough and that smarted, especially after you bailed on me. I personalized it, and I shouldnt have.

So I hope an explanation of that can at least help you understand where I was coming from. I was frustrated, and pissed, and hurt. Now I realize how stupid it was.

I dont know if Ive ruined our friendship or what. Ive never had a friendship like this, and to think that Ive killed it is killing me. I hope you can understand and give me a chance to win your trust again. I just want things to be the way they were, although that isnt precisely true either, because there was tension.

And heres the final card Im going to deal you. This will probably be the end of our friendship but I have to be honest with you, because not being honest with myself is what got me into this fucked mess.

I know you dont do relationships. I know because Im so similar. But its been different with you. So heres the big ***** bombshell: for weeks now, my feelings for you have been more than friendship. Im teetering on the brink of more, and thats why I said I dont want for things to go back to the way they were. Im telling this because you deserve to know it, even though I know its tantamount to ***** myself.

I miss you so ***** much. Its not the same without you, just having you near. Ive never cried so much in so short a time.

Just know that I did the things I did because I craved some kind of intimacy with you. I never cared who else you fucked. I just wanted you to feel free with me, when you were with me, to be real and relaxed, and I dont think that is in and of itself such a horrible thing to want. Though I did go about it in a horrible way and for that, I again apologize.

I dont know what else to say. All I can say is that you are my best friend and as such I do love you, dearly. I hope against hope that youll forgive my sorry ***** and give me another chance, whether as a friend or more, I dont care. I promise Ill earn your trust.

I dont know what else to say. Just please.

Darah.

I hold on to the letter for a week, reading and re-reading it. Finally I address it and put it in the mail.