How did you wind up doing that?

I ran away from where I was living.

Because it was the lesser of evils?

Yeah.

So why would I look at you any differently?

Because I stayed. For four years, all right! Because I cared more about the coke that it got me than about building a real life. I was a ***** junkie. The self-loathing evident in her voice disturbs me. She turns away and looks at the ceiling again.

So what made you decide to quit? I say gingerly. This all makes perfect sense, and learning it feels like a puzzle piece slipping perfectly into place.

Someone offered to send me to school. I realized how bad I was, how weak I was. I havent done a speck of it since then.

I doubt that you were weak. Coke detox is no picnic.

She sniffles, as if remembering the cocaine, and lies there.

I take her hand. I think youre a very strong and compassionate person. And I dont look down on you for any of that. Addiction is an illness and you were probably prone to it because of factors that were beyond your control. And even if you couldnt, I dont care. Because it only says good things about the person you are today.

She shrugs, and I have no idea where to go from here.

Her fingers lie slackly in mine and she gets that glazed faraway look in her eyes. I look at her until it feels intrusive, then I look away. Her fingers tighten around mine.

It is quiet and peaceful for a minute as we lay there. How long have you been clean?

Three years in January.

I squeeze her hand. Good for you, Sparky.

She smiles and it delights me from head to toe, even though it quickly fades into seriousness.

Has it been hard? Have you had a lot of cravings?

She turns and looks at me. The look in her eyes is singular, like the look of a child who has seen too much ***** to be considered a child. As always Im afraid this is it – that this is the line Ive crossed.

No. Not for coke.

I nod. Thats great, I say, wondering what she does crave. I know its *****. I wonder how much shes really healed, giving up one addiction for another. I wonder how many of the times with me were a substitute for white powder, and quickly push that thought away.