Bette

Today has been a good day. I got up early, I went for a light run. I made some breakfast, something I never do. I thought about my future, not with Tina but about work. My love of art but how work took over my life, how I let it take over my life. I think I will work in the art world but I am not sure in what capacity, perhaps I will stay at CAC for awhile but it will not be my life. I bought some baby pink tulips, they are such a peaceful flower and in the days ahead they will open. I went to the bakery and chatted to the lady baker, sat and had my first latte in three weeks. OK maybe there are some things I miss about home. Tonight it is warm, it will be hot tomorrow. In many ways I have found peace. I accept I made many mistakes and I cannot undo them but I vow to learn from them and hurt no one else. Tonight I vary my routine. I sit on the front steps, unwilling to go the few meters from my sanctuary to the sand. I dont know why. I feel safe maybe. I think about Tina, I miss her. I wonder about our baby, are they both OK, do they need anything ? It is getting to me, I am a long way from home. I needed this time but the time is coming soon I need to go, maybe not back to LA straight away. I decide to walk up the road, a few hundred meters to the phone. I dial Tinas number, not knowing if she will talk to me, perhaps she will hang up, perhaps she will yell. I just want to know she is OK. Maybe she is with Helena. I dont care, Helena can get in line, she is still my wife, I think. I dial, I clear my throat, pretending I am prepared for what I might get on the other end. Hi, you have reached Tina, please leave a name and number Beep. Oh, thats not what I, what I thought, is she with Helena ? It would be Friday night there. I call Kit, I should have called more frequently. I get her machine at home. Well it is Friday night. Dejected I walk back to the house. I sit out the front and think about what I would do if I had another chance. Is it too late, what I went home now, would it matter ? What would I say to Tina about everything that has happened, about our baby, about our future ? I decide it doesnt matter and suddenly the warmth in the air doesnt protect me from the cold harsh reality. I think I am moving forward and then I have a night like this, after such a good day it is crushing. I tell myself what I would do doesnt matter. I finish my wine and lights a cigarette. I laugh ironically because there are nights where I am sure I smell Tinas perfume. I know it is in my imagination. What would I do ?