For the first time I look up, straight into her eyes, trying to convey sincerity. I begin.
Bette : Before I answer your questions and I will answer any question you have Tina, I wonder if I might say something ? She nods ever so slightly, granting my wish. Tina, I am so sorry for everything that has happened to tear us apart. There are many things I would do differently if I had the chance to do it again. I say this now because no matter the future for us, those two things will not change. I stop talking and sigh. I begin. Tina doesnt appear to acknowledge what I just said.
Tina : (Thinking, did she leave out the bit that she loves me for a reason or does she just not love me, she hasnt said it since Ive been here). Bette, may I say something before we start ? I think it is best if we try and keep this conversation, um, civilized. I do not think much will be achieved by yelling at each other or sniping at each other. This is hard enough. And Bette, please be honest with me.
Bette : OK, I understand. Tina, what would you like to know ?..
Tina : I would like to know how you think we got to this point ?
Bette : (Uh, I thought she wanted to know about Candace). Can you be more specific ?
Tina : Bette, do not go there. You know exactly what I am asking you. I am not looking to blame you Bette, I just want to know how you think we got to this point.
Bette : (I begin to look around, suddenly I feel trapped, I dont have the answers for Tina). Tina I am not sure I am ready for this conversation, I..
Tina : Bette, you have not asked me to leave and you know why I am here. You will never be ready for this conversation. We are going to start it today. One more time. Bette, how did we get to this point ?
Bette : (suddenly many of the things that have happened flash through my mind. Faye, the miscarriage, Provocations). Tina, I think when you left work and we decided to have a baby, I began to feel left out and the pressure of bring the sole financial provider. I should have come to you.
Tina : Why didnt you come to me Bette ?
Bette : I dont know Tina, I wanted to be strong, for you to feel secure. Then you had the miscarriage and suddenly I had problems at work, the protesters came on the night you, we lost the baby. I wasnt with you when you were at the doctors and I should have been.
Tina : yes, Bette, you should have been. Tell me about the protestors. Go on.
Bette : (ouch, that hurt, I flinch. I realize I have no control over where the conversation goes. I also realize for the first time that Tina doesnt know about the protestors at our home). The night you lost the baby, I rushed come, as soon as I realized what had happened. You were so distraught. I tried to comfort you and I heard these people out the front. They were protesting about the Provocations exhibition. I went out and told them to get off our property. It was too much after the Faye Buckley incident on TV and I was under the hammer at work. I was almost fired and you were having a baby. You were too upset so I didnt tell you. I realize I am rambling. I am surprised it is coming out so easily.
Tina : Bette, there were people out the front of our house protesting and you didnt tell me ? Anger begins to creep into Tinas voice.
Bette : Yes.
Tina : You were almost fired and you didnt tell me ?
Bette : yes.
Tina : Bette, why did you shut me out after what happened with Faye Buckley ?
Bette : Tina, please..
Tina : Bette, answer me. She asks full of emotion.
Bette : I dont have an answer, I dont know Tina. I turn both my palms up in gesture that indicates I dont know. I feel helpless.
Tina : Bette, I did not know about
Bette : Tina
Tina : Bette, let me finish, please. I did not know about the protestors or how you felt about being the sole income earner or for that matter that you were nearly fired. I am sorry you didnt feel you could tell me, that you didnt feel you could confide in me. I know I made mistakes too. I did shut you out after the miscarriage. It was not intentional. I am sorry Bette. I didnt understand how hard all of this was for you as well. I didnt stand up to you on occasions, I was too passive.
Bette : Tina, I did this to us, not you.
Tina : No Bette, we did both did things and we will talk more about them and how not to let it happen in the future. Tell me about the carpenter, why did you feel to look outside our marriage Bette ?
Bette : (Oh my ***** God, she said that with no emotion. I am caught by surprise, I didnt expect her to bring it up so soon). I say nothing. I feel like I have been hit with a brick, the shame and guilt floods me. I feel vunerable again.
Tina : Bette ?
Bette : I shrug. As is to say I do not have the answers. I wipe a single tear away that runs down my cheek.
Tina : You better have an answer Bette.
Bette: (I know I am done for. What answer is good enough for that question ?) What will satisfy you Tina ? There is no answer to that question that will appease you is there ? I am yelling at her.
Tina : Yells back. Tell me Bette. She demands not asks.
Bette : Ok, you want to know. I will tell you. I felt alone, and scared. I nearly lost my job. I lost my baby, people were calling me a pervert. I was exhausted. No matter how hard I tried to reach you, you shut me out. I was the last to know about the baby. Tina, I just needed a release, to be loved, held, not in control.
Tina : Really Bette ? Well what about next time things go wrong Bette, will you just need to be held and loved by someone other than your wife ?
Bette : that is not what I meant and you know it, you are twisting my words !
Tina : No I am not. That is what you said. How many times Bette, did you feel to be loved and held, and made to feel safe, by her ?
Bette : Tina, please, dont this. I am begging you. Tina is glaring at me. I am crying, I take no notice.
Tina : BETTE, HOW MANY TIMES ?
Bette : Once. I spit it out.
Tina : (puts her hands on her hips). Bette, what did I say to you ? I can tell she is majorly pissed.
Bette : I dont understand the question Tina.
Tina : I asked you to be honest. That was a very foolish move Bette. I spoke to Candace. I KNOW it was more than once.