She gets close, as she does, I reach out and grab her hand, she pulls away but I hang on tight, not aggressively, but tight. Dont she says. I ignore her as I get on my knees and do what Kit suggested. I have less than 12 hours to put this right. I have nothing left to lose. Not even any pride. The words out of my mouth are my last chance. Even if I have blown it already, I want her to know how I really feel. I am on my knees, as I begin the hardest sell of my life, there is no hope. I dont care. Tears stream down my face but this time unabashedly.
Bette : Tina.I look up, she is looking away. Tina, please let me say this and then I do anything you want, including not getting in the way of you going leaving me. She doesnt look at me but she does stop trying to wrench her wrist away. I can feel the rough carpet digging into my knees. It is not soft, it is designed to be hard wearing, for when sand is accidentally dragged inside. I can hear the rain pelting the tin roof, the warm of the fire and pink tulips are in my eye line on the table. Slowly the flowers had begun to open and for some reason they give me new hope, maybe because there is nothing else to give me hope. I sigh and begin :
Tina, I am a fool but a fool who loves you very much, with every part of my soul. I know I have not shown it very well. I cheated on you (I swallow and blink, she still isnt looking at me, this is the first time I have said it out loud) and then I lied to you about it. I slept withher, twice and there was a conversation that we had I should not have had with anyone but you. But as sure as I am here on my knees begging you not to leave me, that is the Gods honest truth. Im sorry, I should have told you when you asked. I was trying to protect you and I realize now, that is not what you needed. You are right, I am a coward. I thought if I was weak you might not want me, that you might not want to be with me, so I tried to bury everything but it got too much. I should have to come to you. I should have trusted in you, in us. I see now all you wanted was me. I should have told you everything from nearly being fired to what happened withher. I shut you out but I shut me out too. I couldnt deal with it. I thought if I was strong for both of us we would make it. I overestimated myself, my ability. I should have talked to you about Faye Buckley. It devastated me Tina, the things she said about our life and the protestors out the front of the house that night. With you being so devastated I truly believed I was doing what was best, trying to protect you. Now I know all of those things were a mistake. After the miscarriage I felt lost, shut out, not needed or wanted, you seemed to prefer the company of others to me. I didnt know how to reach you or how to deal with it. With my spare hand I wipe away the tears that streaming from my eyes. I want to apologise for happened after Provocations. I was so, lost and desperate and what happened is not OK. I did not mean for things to end out how they did. Tina, I do not blame you for leaving me, it is what I deserve. I want you to know these things because we are having a baby and we need to be able to get along for him or her (I give a small smile at the thought of our baby) but also because I do love you, I am so sorry and I wan t you to know how I feel. I understand you are angry, it is justified. I accept responsibility for my actions and I will accept your decision and the consequences of your decision. I begging you Tina, for one last chance and I swear I you will not be making a mistake giving me another chance. It will never happen again Tina, never. I will answer any question Tina, thruthfully.
Tina : Bette, you said you would do anything, do you really mean that ?
Bette : (I waste no time getting it out) Anything Tina. Just tell me what it is.
Tina : Let go of my wrist Bette.
Bette : My world begins to spin out of control. I really thought I could win her back. I told her everything, I pleaded and begged on my knees and that is all she has to say : let go of my wrist. I slowly let go, she wrenches her arm away angrily. I fall forward, still on my knees and both hands on the floor as I lose my balance. I see her walk into the room she has been sleeping in and close the door. She didnt say a word, not one single word. Suddenly I feel like I am going to vomit, I am still on all fours. I rush to the bathroom. I am sick. I admonish myself for the mistakes I have made. I look in the mirror as I rinse my mouth out and she sad, pathetic red eyes looking back at me. I know I am going to lose it. I gave it everything and yet again it was not enough. I stare at the reflection in the mirror for a few seconds. I come out of the bathroom, realizing my life will never be the same. I automatically put on shoes and grab my jacket. I pick up cigarettes and the bottle of scotch that as yet is unopened. That is about to change. I quietly walk out the front door. Her bedroom door is closed. It is raining, and windy, cold now but I do not care. I head for the rocks just 20 meters or so away but it feels like a different world out here. I sit on the rocks, a little protected from the wind, but still I struggle to light the cigarette. I do not struggle to get the lid off the bottle through and take a swig. The rawness hits my throat and nose and burns as I swallow. The tears are streaming down my face I dont bother to wipe them away. I may have to go back in there after all I cannot stay out here all night. Its wet from the rain and waves crashing and slapping up onto me. I am not going back through until I dull this pain. I bring my wrap my arms around my knees and bring them up, resting my chin on them. I ask myself over and over, why did this happen to us, to me. Am I that bad a person, does she really not love me ? I release my knees and start to yell. I know, I know I did wrong, Im sorry. I yell to no one in particular, Tina cant hear me with the wind. My, our baby, God, please I love that woman. Tina, I am so sorry. Everything I ever wanted is gone. WHAT THE ***** AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW ? I am wet and cold and a little tipsy, I have no idea how long I was out here thinking before I started yelling at no one in particular. In my frustration I throw the bottle and realize that was a dumb thing to do. Now I have nothing to keep me warm. I put my hands down on the rocks to get myself up. I stumble back to the house. I drank too much and I cannot see, but what does it ***** matter right ? I open the door and the first thing I see is Tinas bags, packed, by the door. I stop and look and brush the tear away that runs down my cheek. I dont see her at the table until she speaks.
Tina : Bette, what are doing, you are wet, she approaches me. I slink my way past her not wanting her to get too close but not before she smells the alcohol. Bette, have you been drinking ? I dont answer her and make my way to the fire and rub my hands together. Tina waits silently for an answer. I dont answer her. I take my clothes of, she is standing there, you know what I no longer care about protocol, she has seen me often without clothes, whats the big deal. I get under the blanket on the couch. I turn over, my back to her. The only thing I say is Ill help you with the bags tomorrow.