”You keep my thoughts away
You say that I’m a loser
A strained smile upon your face
Death boxes in your hands
Go away
Go away
Go away
Go away”

Everytime Carmen sees Shane – her beautiful face appearing in the door frame, her drowsy eyes in the morning, the white skin of her back when she sleeps laying on her stomach – she is torn between love and hate, between regret and desire, between hope and mistrust, between confidence and diffidence.
She would like to slap her and punch her because she’s making her feel so alive.
She would like to kiss her and hug her tightly because she’s making her feel so alive.
She would like to tell her that she hates her because, every time she’s around, her armor cracks a little more. And she needs her armor.
She would like to tell her that she loves her because, every time she’s around, she feels like a wounded animal suddenly rescued.
Do I love her?, Carmen thinks.
Even this new me is falling in love with her all over again, even if she isn’t ready for that, yet.
Carmen exhales slowly.
The truth is that.
She sinks into her eyes and everything disappears.
So torn she feels.
So troubled.
And what really happens is that they seem unable to stop making love.
She never talks, while they are doing it.
Day after day, time after time, Shane learned the lesson and stopped talking as well.
But there are so many things that can be said, even without the support of a voice.
That’s the reason why Carmen feels Shane asking for her forgiveness with every kiss, with every touch.
They don’t seem to make love. That would be quite simplistic.
They seem to make up.
Or better.
Shane seems to be making up.
A soundless voice repeating, again and again.
Forgive me love me take me with you believe in me believe in us feel me.
Feel me feel me feel me.

”You’re my life
You’re my wife
My bright star
Go away
Go away
Go away
Go away”*

Carmen, instead, always seems to be testing herself.
As if she’s trying to discover if she can feel something again.
As if she’s trying to discover if she can be whole again.
And she feels much more than something.
She feels warm.
She feels loved.
She feels complete.
She feels whole.
They always make love so sweetly, Carmen thinks.
As if Shane is scared to hurt her somehow.
Sometimes, she can see it into her eyes.
That impulse, that strong, violent propulsion, that primal desire to possess her, really possess her, roughly, harshly, passionately.
But it doesn’t happen.
“Respect”, Carmen thinks suddenly.
“She’s doing her best to respect me fully”.
She runs her fingers along the scar on her lower abdomnen.
She gets up and, naked, walks silently towards the bathroom.