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    Hindsight – Chapter 1

    Story written on November 9, 2006 by Jobadge.
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    1 vote, average: 5.00 out of 51 vote, average: 5.00 out of 51 vote, average: 5.00 out of 51 vote, average: 5.00 out of 51 vote, average: 5.00 out of 5 (1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)
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    Number of Comments: 46
    Words: 5922
    Story Shortlink: https://lesfan.com/?p=63161
    Author Notes:

    Bette Porter: I never believed it would become a chore to live…

     

    I sure as hell wasn’t going to find the answers in the bottom of a wine bottle, but as I opened the second bottle of Merlot for the evening, it sure helped the throbbing that was coursing throughout my body.

     

    I couldn’t put a finger on the elements of pain I felt, was it from hitting my head when I fainted on the sidewalk, was it my broken heart trying to salvage some life into itself, was it the pain of missing my daughter, was it because I had done nothing but abuse my body with alcohol and nicotine recently, was it because I hadn’t eaten a meal without throwing it up in… I didn’t know how many weeks…

     

    I just didn’t know, and at this moment of sitting by the pool, drinking wine and smoking, contemplating my life, I didn’t care where the pain came from, all I knew is that the three bottles of pills that were sitting on the table beside the wine and cigarettes beside me were calling my name.  I didn’t even have a clue what was in each one, but they were in the medicine cabinet and they were the ones that, when I shook them, sounded like they had the most contents.

     

    I picked up one of the bottles and read the label, she was still beating me, ‘Prescription Medication Dispensed to Ms Tina Kennard’, I shook my head as I looked to the others, all the labels giving me the same message, I opened the top, surveying the contents, there had to be about thirty pills in there, and with the other bottles, probably the same in each, it was enough to be able to forget everything going on in my life.

     

    But I sighed, how low did you have to get to be at this stage where you contemplated giving in, how far could you be pushed before you couldn’t take it anymore, how was it possible to keep coming back when life kept dealing you the crappiest hands you could possibly imagine.

     

    I couldn’t answer any of my own questions, but the one thing I did know, was that I could honestly say I had never been closer, never this close to opening my mouth and pouring the pills in, swallowing and hoping to never have to wake up again, but as those thoughts came into my mind, so did one face.

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    Comments

    1. Wow… I would have slapped Tina when she said, “You have no idea.” Really? Doesn’t she?! Ugh. This hurt and made me angry and so many other things, but I love it…

    3. As painful as it was to read, I couldn’t pull my eyes away from the page. You always manage to bring me into your stories as if I’m actually watching the events unfold. You are AWESOME! I hope Tina will do the right thing, and let Bette see her daughter. She has emotionally beat Bette down by not allowing her to see Angelica and now it is affecting Bette’s health. PPS!

    6. That had to be the most depressing thing I’ve read in a long time. I understand, I can even relate, but I’m drained and not in a good way. Bette screwed up, hindsight or not. Doesn’t matter how young or how old we are, when were hurt, angry, etc., knowing doesn’t play into it, we totally react to our emotions. Tina still cares we know she does, lets hope they can work it out. It would be nice if Angelica was asleep in the car.

    7. Bette needs help. She can’t be with her daughter if she wastes away to nothing or drinks herself into oblivion. This is painful, but please keep writing.

    9. Holy shit! Thanks for making me cry Jo. That was fricken sad and Tina needs to not be a bitch and let Bette see her daughter. This better not happen on the show.I will NOT be happy!WAY heavy

    12. Damn, Jo, you’re bumming me out. Bette’s a bulemic alcholic. That’s one suck-ass combination. And Tina is brilliantly , unrecombitantly selfish. That’s pretty suck-ass, too. Has it finally dawned on Tina how vicious and unforgiving she is?

    13. Jobadge, You are a fantastic diversified writer. The emotions you evoke are spell binding, Between you and Jwets Post today, emotional is just putting it mildly

    14. Wow! That was painful to read and I like slipperynipple had to skim over the beginning and not in all relation to your writing. Is it bad to want severe bodily harm to come to a fanfic character? Damn!Jo, you are one of the few that can make me hate Tina one minute and then love her the next. Post soon!

    15. This is really deep and powerful. The depths of pain being felt by Bette can be felt in every word written. I wonder why Tina felt she had the right to go and check on Bette? How funny that she answered Bette’s question but can’t understand how the pain she felt would not be magnified a thousand times by keeping Bette away from “her” daughter. I am hoping for a happy ending with my favorite couple.

    16. You know I trust you but you know my hormones are all over the place. This post just about killed me. Cried like a baby…you are simply amazing. I hope you post again very soon.

    18. OMG, there are 2 empty bottles…she’s going to drop right there in front of Tina. Sad, but what a way to go right in front of the women who took her daughter away w/out any regard to her feelings…that’a a very long 7wks 4day…Well this gives a kick start to the day…and not in your usual way, tks JB

    21. God, that was painful to read. I hope Tina can now see things from Bette’s perspective and have a little compassion for her. You are going to continue with this story, aren’t you?

    23. Well at least Tina cared enough to check if Bette was ok after seeing her earlier..tho running away was probably on impulse…it wasnt right either!….A vulnerable Bette gets to us all i think!.well it does me!!!..and she has hit her lowest ebb…looking forward to seeing where this goes….

    24. At the age of 28 I have not yet quite figured out if hindsight is a blessing or curse. Personally I tend to lean more towards curse, ignorance is bliss afterall. Honestly I skipped quite a bit of this story, sorry, it had nothing to do with your writing. I’m just not a fan of self flagellation. If Bette had had any insight she might have secured her place in Angelica’s life or she might have left Tina alone after setting eyes on her. But you see that’s the bitch with hindsight there is no rectifying or changing what has already past. And oh yes Bette has my permission to choke the shit out of Tina at least in this story. :0

    29. Hey Jo, That was intense. I completely trust you because of all the fabulous fan fictions you have so lovingly crafted and developed. This is currently the most gut and heart wrenching one I have every read. The total despair is there on the screen. Bette’s depression is overwhelming. As is Tina’s thoughtlessness. Sad to see how a person who was once the heart of the family, the carer of all other so remote from soemone she once loved. The real heartbreak is Angelica’s loss of her mother. The poignancy of her “Mama” cry was awesome. More please as this tale needs to run its course. Thank you as ever for this magnificent piece of emotive narrative. It is in a class of its own. Thank you, Your Loyal (if Lurking) Fan.

    37. I had to stop and walk away a few times while reading this chapter/story. I have felt that total emptiness and took steps to not waking up again. My emptinss was not to the extent that Bette is feeling at this time but it was enough. I trust you to make this better and to ease some of Bette’s pain. Tina obviously is concerned and maybe just maybe she still loves Bette or she would not be standing by the pool watching the love of her life disappear in front of her eyes.

    38. Oh sweetie, my eyes misted too, so sad, but all the same truly amazing and beautiful!!! Like you I love a vulnerable BP, never thought you would show us her hitting the bottom like this, but I totally understand your reasons – and for me to enjoy a ‘lifeless’ and desperate BP like I just did says everything about what a gifted writer you are. I am even more in awe by you now…..you can write all kinds of emotions and scenarios!!!I do trust you mate, always!! I’m sure Bette will have little Angle back in her life, but I’m not so sure about T???? Did notice the Levis is still there, gives me hope though :o))Call off all your plans for tonight – you’ve to write more and NOW!! I can do your work tomorrow, so you can stay home and write ok LOL. Sorry for keep you waiting, but I had to think more about this one….and yeah The Zebra can think LOL. Post soon please.

    45. Bette has definately hit rock bottom…so hopefully she will start to climb up. She loves Angelica but she has to love herself also. She needs to be around for the time that Angelica will have a choice to be with her mother…it seems like Tina is enjoying her little new life with a man so Bette might just have to pick herself up and try to make the best of her life without the love of her life…(hopefully they can somehow make their way back together…but that is a long way away it seems) please keep posting this story.

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