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Hindsight – Chapter 35
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When I left here…, all those weeks ago…, someone told me that it took strength to do what I did… to leave the permanence of my home and family, how strong I must have been to walk out on the life we had built…, but I was coming to realise that I wasn’t strong… it wasn’t my strength that led me out of the door…
It was weakness…, I was weak…, I took the easy way out…, I didn’t stand and fight for the woman I knew deep down I loved like no other…, I didn’t take the time to understand the confusion going on inside of me, the confusion she offered to help me understand…, she offered me the strength I needed when I was weak…, she was the one who was strong…, she allowed me the space I told her I wanted…, the space to explore how I was feeling…
If I had been strong…, I would have stayed, I would have fought to understand the feelings I was having, not just walked away to find out, sleeping with the first man who was available to me…
My eyes wandered to the bedroom door…
Fuck…
Did I actually do that…, did I actually have sex in this room with another person… and a man at that…, against the bedroom door that I’m now looking at…, Jesus Christ, what was I thinking…, was I even thinking. I had for a split second, but even when the elements of doubt had crept into my mind over that split second I hadn’t done anything about it, I had carried on and fucked Henry…, or rather he had fucked me…, against the door in our room…
How could I have been so completely and utter selfish?
How could I have done this to her?
Those feelings that I had been feeling since I left… that sense of loss, I missed her… I missed seeing her face, I missed talking to her, I missed the little touches she always gave me…
I missed her smile, her eyes, her hand over my waist with her fingers stroking my stomach when she laid behind me every night…, that sleeping position where we curled together…, molded as one as her arm protected me from the harm of the unknown during our slumber… I know I hadn’t slept as soundly since I left her…, since the last time her arm was pulling me in tighter to her…, since she kissed my bare shoulder and told me how much she loved me…
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Ok, seriously, I wanted to mention this to you… JB. How does she keep getting hotter? It’s just wrong, right? I knew, somewhere, you were sitting there in awe just as much as I was… I just… oh my god. Anyway, this post was heartbreakingly beautiful, which I’m sure I’m said before, but it still goes. Tina could always go, talk to Henry, and come right back… Maybe? Fantastic, mate, it’s just too good. Kettle x
Damn. I understand that before Tina can stay, she has to go, but that had to be hard. Tah,tah, Henry. Bette needs to propose Tina and Angelica stay with her.
This is probably going to be one of the longest nights ever, for both of them. At least Bette has Angelica this time. Tina’s wondering how she can make it up to Bette… she can start by ditching the dullard, coming back, and then never leaving Bette again. Yeah, one can dream, but what a difference a single day has made so far… Great as always, Jo. And congrats on the new awards.
Congratulations on your two wins for the lastest awards. Even though this story is heart breaking it gives one hope. The hope that love can conquer all is what life is all about. Tina is finally coming to the realization that she made some very bad decisions and now is wanting to make them right. Telling Henry that it is over is one step in the right direction. Moving out to an apartment is another step, although I would love to see her move back in with Bette the apartment is the best step at this point.
If Bette had said to me “I don’t want you to go” We would have gone to our grave with me glued to her I know before Bette and Tin can be together Tina needs to get her life in order. Bette will understand this.because Tina left Angie with her. Bette is so fragile in this. Tina didnt understand that she was the stronger one in their life. thanks
Congratulations again, Jo. You deserved it. I think it shows growth on Tina’s part to go finish it with Henry before attempting anything else, but we know perfectly well that she will make the attempt, and soon. Fortunately these two seem to have discovered that the reason for their tears isn’t utterly irrevocable.
congratulations Jo on those awards! You deserve all you get. Your story is fantastic!please post soon! Thank you.
Simply brilliant. The rare writer can take small events in life and describe them so perfectly that we all understand and feel them deeply. That’s who you are.
heartbreaking in a good way…break up with henry in 1 minute and spend eternity with bette
Congrats Jo. Loved the post.
Another great chapter. Congrats on the award.
Go Tina! It’s time to start righting the wrongs and come home to her two Porter girls!
Yayyy Tina gonna dump hendick and hurry get back to Bette!
So beautiful even though the hurt and the pain screams out of the screen. Go on. Thanks.
Fuck going back in the morning. Dump Henry’s butt and go back to Bette. Worry about everything else in the morning.
Jo, wow, you are the total Queen of the stories that all unfold withing a few hours or days…you give us an insight that would otherwise be missed…thanks doesn’t seem quite enough
“I..don’t want you to go” heartbreaking, but also a brave line by Bette in this difficult situation…..fuck I just love a vulnerable BP!!! Yes Tina, your heart is longing to come home – home to your woman. BTW I’m sure Tina have missed other things than aroma to tease her (senses)!!! LOL – brilliant post x
Jo, Gal that was powerful stuff. The emotional impact of this tale hits you like a double barreled shotgun. BAM, Bette’s turmoil hits you then BAM Tina’s confusion adds the second blow. This pain and hurting is intense but hopefully the gals are starting to see the journey’s end. Wonderful that hope has sprung however tiny into their lives again. jo, you have a real flair and attention to the tiniest of feelings. I am wring out emotionally after each chapter. Please continue soon. Many thanks from your Your Loyal Fan.
Jo, jo, jo… never apologize for the story being longer than usual!! lol! it could be 8 pages and still not enough! this story is so beautiful, heartbreaking, insightful… and now I see hope! well done! can’t wait to the next chapter! (love both povs)
Sometimes words can not suffice… How can I find words to anwer your touching once? How can I comment on a story that is so delicate, fragile and yet so strong it takes my breath away, and do it justice? I once was compared to a pianist for writing by my friend, Therese… And when I read YOUR words, my dear friend, I can hear the melody… I can here the sounds you have evoked, the music that touches our hearts so deeply… The feelings you can express with these letters, just by putting them in a certain order. You make hearts wrench and eyes water… You, my dear Jo, are a writer, in every sense of the word… Pls bless us with your amazing talent again soon, and blow us away with this story!
Jo you are an amazing writer. This was absolutely beautiful.
Excellent chapter….as always!
Exquisite chapter Jo! Love this :) At last action from Tina. Great! And u never need to apologize for long chapters Jo :)
dang, so heartwrenching and hopeful at the same time. made all the more poignant since i’ve all but given up any hope that i’ll see anything remotely resembling this on screen. thank you so much
Absolutely amazing Jo…and I have no problem with longer – feel free to slip a few extra sentences into a chapter anytime! LOL! Ahhh yes…JB continues to improve in all aspects. Thanks for the sweet visual of her in that white vest and Levis! Excellent post. Your writing is so eloquent. And I love how you are letting us know what each of them is thinking.
Great chapter mate. Good to see that Tina is doing the right thing and telling Henry before it goes any further. I wonder what Bette will be thinking while she is gone.
Beautiful story. Sometimes this story makes me cry.
you’re killing here Jo! but in a good way. love your story!
Wow a little break and BAM! That was G.O.O.D!I’m a little speechless after that chappy Joe.You deserve every award you recieve. please post soon!
Man thats beautiful. Glad Tina is going to talk to Henry b/c she needs to get rid of him and figure things out so that she can move home again to her family. Amazing writing, thanks. PPS
Mmmmm, this was so close to perfection. Now is the time when Tina has to gather all her strength and do the right thing. And after she has told Henry what he needs to know, she should HURRY back home…. where her wife and child are waiting. Please, Jo… let Tina make it up to Bette. LOL… I’m whining, I know… sorry!
Hey..Well im not sure i could have been as strong as Tina in that situation, but she has to do the right thing…and the sooner the better..then she needs to come home, where she truly belongs..This story has always been hard on the poor heartstrings…but there has always been hope, sometimes hidden, but always there!..and beautifully written…
Perfect! Go Tina you can do it girl, it’s time to fight for your family! Congrats for the chapter, excellent as always!
You write with such incredible intensity Jo. And although I’m really enjoying this story, I don’t enjoy is feeling like I need a drink after reading it. ;) Well, sometimes I enjoy that too! Congratulations on your well deserved awards. Very cool.