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Hindsight – Chapter 5
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I couldn’t think how I was feeling, my mind went blank, all I could think and feel was her… she was in my arms, grasping me tightly at my back, with no sign of her tears dissipating, my hands stroked her back, pulling her in close, I ignored my own tears, my own emotions, I’d had seven weeks and four days to think about my own emotions, my own feelings on the situation, this was a time for her, to allow her emotions of the situation to run free.
I looked over her shoulder, Angelica looked up and me and smiled, that smile, god that smile, the emotions I had been holding back began to break free, they broke free as they had when she first walked into the bathroom this morning, the choking noise from a sob caught in my throat and I felt the woman in my arms pull me close, tighter, she also knew… she knew that I also needed to be caught as I fell. And fall I did…
I cried for her…, I cried for Angelica…, I cried for our friend we had lost…, and the friends I had pushed away…, I cried for my sister…, who was the only one there for me recently, the only one to hold me up and encourage me to live from one day to another…, and the last one I cried for, I cried for me…, for what I had lost, for what I had loved and lost, I cried for the glimmer of hope I felt at seeing my daughter this morning, and the glimmer of hope that that would continue as Tina sat across from me this morning at the dining room table.
I didn’t dare cry for anything else, I didn’t want to hope for anything more than to have my daughter back in my life, I would have to satisfy myself that having some part of her, some small semblance of presence in my empty would be enough…
I felt her draw back slightly, looking to my face, her own eyes vibrant and glassy from the salty tears she had shed, the skin around her eyes was swollen and red, the streaks of tears still overflowing as she looked at me, she was watching me as I too allowed the unloading of the pent up emotions, she moved her arms and brought them around my neck, pulling me closer, pulling my face into the crook of her neck, I wound my arms about her waist and returned the embrace, the full length embrace as she too supported me.
I heard her soothing noises in my ear, words I couldn’t make out over the sobbing noises coming from my own lips. I took a deep breath, but it hit me… the aroma, the sweet smell of her… the same aroma that intoxicated my senses when I rest my head against her pillow, the uniqueness that was just her…
I rest my forehead on her shoulder, the shooting pain from the bruise on my head creating a sharp intake of breath, a breath she heard, I heard the words then, her words,
Her whispered words that told me “it will be okay…”
But how would it, the choke caught me once again, how could she say that, how could she say it would be okay, did her words have meaning or was she just soothing me, soothing the emotions of the moment, calming the storm of the last seven weeks and four days…
“I just want to see her T…”
“I know…”
“I just want…”
“It’s okay…”
“I just want… to have my daughter… in my life again…”
“You will…”
“Please T… don’t take her away from me again…”
“I won’t… I promise…” she whispered to me…
It was all I could do to remain standing as her words penetrated my mind, penetrated my heart, the pain of the last seven weeks and four days began the slow process of slipping away, there was hope…, she had given me hope, her words gave me a hope that my life would once again be worth living…
I had stepped back from the edge of existence, I stepped back and turned, I had turned to face a life that started with a glimmer of hope from her words…
I pulled her in close to me, she would know what my actions said… she would know what her words had meant to me…
“Thank you…”
“I’ll never forgive myself for keeping her from you…” she whispered…
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Why is it that we always want them to beat all odds, to reunite, to somehow do what so many others cannot??? Why? I think that if IC hadn’t battered them as she had, hadn’t treated the characters with such disrespect that we wouldn’t feel so violent towards them..Another wonderful, heart breaking chapter, and thankyou for posting so soon, it helps, it really does. Thanks!!
My heart is getting bruised, you really are a wonderfull storyteller. Thanks.
Jo…words can’t possibly express how much this fic moves me. The way you are able to convey the emotions in both of these confused women is amazing. This fic continues to leave me in a constant flux of emotions and i always end up choked up by the end of one of your posts. Thank you so much for sharing you’re exquiste gift.
It’s hard to find the words to tell you how moved I am by this story. It is absolutely amazing. The emotion so raw, so palpable. Surely with the depth of love these two have for each other – and I do believe the love is there within Tina too – that they can find a way back to each other.
god i feel such gut wrenching pain reading your chapters, what a hell of a talent you have woman!!!!!
Awsome chapter!
You are so talented. I hope this pain has never been in your life and that you’re writing from your imagination. I don’t know if it is realistic to expect them to reunite but I would love it. How they got to this point is incomprehensible.
Uh….if the emotions run so deep between these two, what’s Tina doing with Henry? Oh yeah, feelings. Very deep feelings.
Funnyone…Sometimes you can be so in love with a person that it knocks you off balance you do things that you can’t explain. Is it healthy? No…..but you can try to get a grip on the feelings and I hope they try. Tina lost herself in Bette and when Bette got off track Tina lost her way…it’s like driving a car and something coming in your path and you swerve to miss and try to overcorrect to get back…it’s possible to straighten up again.
Sometimes when someone makes a mistake, they have no clue how to come back and fix the mess that they have created. They feel unworthy of that other person’s love and are afraid of hurting them worse. I feel that Tina wants desperately to come back but feels unworthy of Bette’s love or feelings. She knows she fucked up but can not take that step to fix it. It was the shock of seeing Bette in the parking lot that sent her into action. If she did not care at all about Bette she would not be showing Angelica pictures or talking to her every night about Bette. Tina has lost her way and knows in her heart that Bette is her light but because she messed up so badly she has stayed away. Bette can never turn her back on Tina even though she was hurt beyond anything else in this world. She knows that Tina completes her and without Tina and Angelica she is nothing. That is why she has given up on her life. By holding Angelica she has the will to live again and begin to pick up the pieces. Some people regardless of how badly they have been hurt can not seem to walk away from the one person that hurts them the most. Tina is that person for Bette. Now it is up to Tina to finally come to terms with her messed up life and repair her family even if they never share a bed again. Jo, this story has brought so many emotions to the surface yet it is also a healing mechanism for me. Thanks.
i love the idea of both of their opinions…this is really emotional and intense, they have so much to talk about but at least they made the first step
Damn thats sad. Tina better not hurt Bette and keep her word or I’m gonna kick her ass for hurting my Bette lol. Well hope Tina will dump henrydick and come back to Bette and they will work thing out and be a family again. OK post soon please, thanks!
Finally,they cry together.Gosh, how is it that one writer commends such emotional response for the reader? I can actually see this on the show Job. Saddens me that both are soo obviously in soo much pain. But let the healing begin. Let the good times roll. Let us get a happy ending,free of sadness and pain. You’re the real deal Job. You’re it. PPS.
That was amazing, and there was a little shard of light for them both. I wonder what the long term hold for them both though.
Hey,Well its so good to see a positive light at the end of the tunnel for them!…Its ok that the chapters are short..sort chapters of anything sad is about all i can take!…lol…Good stuff!
Wow, intense and so well done.
you are an amazing writer Jo….this was quite the wake up call for today…..i love this fic and cannot wait to see where it goes from here….u have alot of options by opening the way you did….thank you…..and post again soon…….
Nothin’ can come close to being an actual witness to the pain you’ve instigated. Life altering moment for them both. Emotional!
for some reason I believe Tina.She has seen what has happen to Bette without Angie in her life. thanks
Tina still makes me sick but I am glad that she is making things right again. Two broken women, so sad! As I have already refused to connect this story to your previous one, I am very curious as to how they ended up like this. Did Bette still have an affair?Although it would be interesting if in this story she did not. Tina with Helena? Keeping the preganancy a secret? Let me know! Post soon!
Amazing chapter!. Tina is right she should never forgive herself.
I can understand the need for overlapping. Not everyone sees the same things at the same time.
Wow…so emotional. I am glad they were able to provide each other some comfort. I hope they can move forward from this…I want to see them back together eventually…but right now they need to be friends again before lovers. GET RID OF HENRY!
That’s a promise Tina better well keep. I think if she keeps Angie from her, it’ll literally kill Bette. Good stuff, Jo.
The best chapter yet….BRILLIANT!!!! I love the overlap idea, that give us a chance to see things from both sides. More please….
Amazing! Tina should now realise that her life and her daughters’ belong with Bette and Bette only!
Jo…you always amaze me! I love how you are writing this story..even if you are killing me. Thank you so much.
good lord, how do you make each chapter more intense than the last. i really, really, really hope these people figure out some way to heal. thanks so much for this incredible story.
WOW!!! So intense and writen so well. I hope they both find peace. Thanks JO