“Wait Carmen…? What if something happens?” I turn to look at her again

“It won’t”

“What if I die?”

“You wont” she starts crying and it brakes my heart seeing her like that

“Ok… but… you changed my life Carmen … you made it better, you made it brighter, full of joy… and if I die…”

“Don’t you dare die, ok… we are not finished yet…… I’m not finished loving you” then Izzy and 4 nurses grabbed Shane’s bed and rolled her out of the room. Both never took our eyes off each other, until she was out the room. Izzy staid watching us both. I looked at her

“Please dont kill her” she walked away. I walked out the room to find the girls talking to…

“Niky” everyone looked back at me. Niky saw me and went towards me and hugged me.

“Baby are you ok?”

“No… I feel crazy all the time… I haven’t slept in years. I’ve spend the day with people with massive crisis" looking at the girls " I lost my ability to judge what’s normal, in myself and anyone else. And yet people are asking me how am I doing? How the hell am I suppose to know, I don’t even know” I sat down on one of the chairs next to the girls. Niky kneeled in front of me

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you all this week… I didn’t know how were you feeling”

“No… you were perfect… ok don’t you dare be sorry… you shouldn’t… I should”

“Baby…”

“No listened… this week… this week was horrible for me… ok… I felt things a haven’t felt in years… Shane… she… she was like my first true love you know… something you cant forget… or forgive…but the thing is she wasn’t my first love… she wasn’t… true love?… but… but I don’t know… I don’t know what I’m doing… I don’t know what I feel anymore… I love Shane… I do, I love her and I don’t want to, but I do… all this years I though I was over her, finally over her… and all it took was one look at her… our eyes connecting for me to realize it will never be over… and I’m sorry I’m so fucking sorry this is happening this is the last thing I wanted to happen, really, because I’m in love with you.. how couldn’t I? You are perfect, everything I would always hoped for in a girl, a perfect girl… I love you… I love how you make me feel, I love how we look together how we dance together how we made love together how when we are together nothing matters…. But to every perfect thing is a catch… and the catch is her… Shane… as much as I’ve tried to not love her… I can’t… and I don’t know what’s going to happen.. I really don’t… because I don’t want to loose you… I can’t afford to loose you because you’re my rock… and you don’t disserve this… but right now… right now I need to be here… I need to not think about the future….”

When I finally take a breather I see everyone looking at me… I guess I was yelling… the girls are all stunt… they didn’t know how to feel… because how can they feel happy when this gorgeous perfect sweet girl is kneeled down in front of me crying not knowing what to do or what to think. Trying to process everything I’ve said. She got up looked at the ceiling trying to open her eyes to get the tear under controlled. I could hear her sniffing. She was trying to look tough, but all she was projecting was…. That she was hurt.

“Um… I’m gonna…. I’m…yea I’ll be outside” she said turning away

“Nikky!…. baby please…”i said and she looked back crying “Baby I’m sorry… don’t do this” she smiled weekly and left. I started crying… nothing goes my way… nothing… life is so fucking fucked up….It hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn’t, is lying.

There comes a point on your life when you’re officially an adult…. Suddenly, your old enough to drink, vote… and other adult activities. Suddenly people expect you to be responsible, serious, a grown up. We get taller, we get older, but do we ever grow up?

In some ways we grow up. We have families. We get married. Divorced. But for the most part we still have the same problems when we were fifteen. No matter how much we grow taller. Grow older. We are still forever stumbling. For ever wandering. Forever… young.