“You do not need it but you have my blessing – you make Bette very happy – that much was obvious over dinner. She is besotted with you. I have seen her besotted in the past but the women involved where not worthy of her – you obviously are. She is very special and I deeply deeply care for her – please treat her as she deserves to be treated “
“I intend to “ Tina said. She took a deep breath “Can I tell you something ?”
“Of course “
“I know that one thing that would make Bette very happy would be if she could tell her parents about the two of us. The hurdle is me – my mom and Bette’s parents went to college together “
“So I gathered from Bette’s very amusing telling of the story of how the two of you got together “
“Well – that is my problem – since my other mom died my mom Emma has really changed and not for the best. She is trying to get me together with Bette which is nice but she’s also made some less than subtle attempts to get Helena to ask me out. I know that Helena would never do anything to hurt Bette and there is nothing between us. But it’s the principle Peggy – she’s hawking me around and all the while telling me what a loser and a nobody I am. She is trying to get me with these – well for want of a better word – high end women and if it happened “
“Which it has “
Tina smiled “Yeah – which it has – she is going to be unfreaking sufferable about how I have no chance of keeping her because I have a dead end job and I am a scruffy so and so and a long repetition of my shortcomings. I don’t want to lose Bette – I love her . I don’t remember ever feeling the things that I feel for Bette she’s amazing and beautiful and kind and tolerant and god she’s sexy “
Tina’s words all tumbled out at once – like she had held them all back for too long. Peggy smiled. It seemed that Tina needed a motherly chat and her own mom was unapproachable.
“How long has your other mom been gone ? “
“Coming up to three years in the fall “
Peggy nodded
“Helena’s father died when she was 14. She idolised her – he was utterly indulgent to her. He had his own business interests but he was intimidated by the Peabody millions. I refused to marry him – I was determined that my children would be Peabody’s – that was a mistake. Anyway – she was crazy about him and he was killed in a plane crash when she was 14 – maybe that’s why she went off the rails so spectacularly. I coped by working harder and harder “
“That sounds familiar “
“Your mom sounds like she is trying to be both parents to you and making a mess of it”
Tina nodded “I just hate the way she keeps demeaning me “
“As crazy as this sounds she wants nothing more than the best for you. And while you will say well she’s not showing that by putting you down. “ Peggy sighed “ There are times as parents that you see so clearly what your kids are doing wrong and you want to stop them but the wise parent sits back and lets them make the mistakes and then helps them pick the pieces up. She thinks she is doing the right thing – she isn’t and its clear that her words are getting at you”
Tina nodded — she could feel her emotions rising to the surface.
“Nothing wounds you deeper than a criticism from a parent – or anyone you love. Let me tell you what I believe. When people criticise – its not about you. It’s a projection of their hang-ups and their background. If someone doesn’t like you its usually because they envy something about you – your looks, your talent – it could be a lot of things. I am told that I am an intimidating woman – I am only imitating to people who don’t have the self confidence to see me as a silly spoilt woman. Your mother’s words are hurtful because that’s something all mothers are good at. I believe she is a very high powered lawyer “
“One of the top lawyers in New York “
“How many hobbies and interests outside work does she have ?”
Tina smiled “ None – she’s become close to Rosemary Porter and I think that’s as close as she has let herself get to anyone since my mom died “
“I don’t know her but I know her type – she reminds me of me which is worrying. She desperately wants you to be happy but she doesn’t know how to do it. You must miss your mom “
Tina nodded – a small tear leaked onto her cheek – she rubbed it away
“Its okay Tina – you will still miss her when she’s been gone for 30 years – let alone 3. Your mom still misses her too”
Tina rubbed her eyes and looked at Peggy – this was something that she hadn’t voiced and Peggy was the person who just might understand
“I am terrified of introducing mom to Bette “
“Why?”
“One of the things that I just adore about Bette is how gallant and almost old fashioned she is “
“True and as she will have told you – that’s not always the best way to get a woman “
Tina sighed “ Mom’s sniping at me is going to drive her crazy. I have never seen Bette angry but James and Helena have and they both say that she hates rudeness and she won’t put up with anyone belittling the people and causes that she holds so dear “
Peggy nodded “Yes – -well I can see that you would be concerned “
“I have met Rosemary once and she was lovely and I can see me just loving her to pieces”
“She is a very soothing and agreeable person “
“I don’t want Bette to end up getting between my fights with my mom “
“And what do you think would happen if Emma criticised you in front of Bette ?”
“Bette would be majorly cross “
“She is gallant “ Peggy conceded “ But let me ask you something “
Tina nodded
“Why are you so lacking in self confidence – you are a very special young woman. I pride myself on judging people – Helena is the same. You need a degree in people to see who is only interested in you for the money. And we are both very successful businesswomen in our own right. Helena inherited money from her father and she has made that double in the last eight years or so – helped at times by Bette’s common sense ideas. I am occasionally wrong but not that often and you are a very special young woman – you are pretty and modest and obviously intelligent. You are clearly the reason that Bette is looking so pleased with herself. So what is holding you back my dear ?”
Tina looked a little shocked at the question
“You mean why do I have a crappy job ?”
“Do you have a crappy job ?”
“Yes – I am a part time community worker. I applied for a grant for the Peabody Foundation a few days ago. Its a centre based in a very run down part of Queens – we help a lot of people who have no where else to turn “
“And you date the owner of an art gallery -does the inequality not upset you – and look at where you are now “
Tina smiled “I can only do what I can. I help people who don’t have anyone else. Bette has been really helpful. She donated an old photocopier to the centre only a few weeks ago. I know she supports what I do “
“Bette is like that – she is a credit to Rosemary and Melvin. And what you are doing is very noble given that you could be doing other things. So what is holding Tina Kennard back ?”
Tina smiled “I am “
“Why ?”
“I fell apart after my mom died – I really lost my way. She had been my best friend for as long as I can remember and losing her was so hard for me. I know it was hard on my other mom but she never really showed it. I wanted her to show how she felt about mom. I know she loved her – my mom used to tell me all the time that she didn’t mind how cold Emma could seem to be”
“Its understandable that she wanted to protect you – I was the same with Helena “
“But did you ever cry in front of her ?”
“Yes – of course “
Tina shook her head “Its like my mom has just grown several extra layers of hardness and I can’t reach out to her because I am not perfect. I don’t want to be her – I don’t want to be so hard and fixed. I love Bette – I want to be with her “
“I do understand how lost you got when your mom died and it is easy to just drift. But look at what you have now. You have so much going for you – I see you as a capable woman – you should start believing in yourself. As for losing your best friend – well no one will ever replace her. But you do have a mom who is as lost and struggling as you and you have Helena and me and boy will you have Rosemary – she is everything that Bette has probably told you that she is. She will take you under her wing and you will never want for a fantastically well cooked meal again. Most of all Tina – you have Bette who is more wonderful than I think even you realise just yet. There is no harm in leaning on Bette – she probably wants you to lean on her but she is too wary of getting hurt or being rejected to say this out loud. You have a best friend sleeping in the same bed as you – maybe you are too busy being angry at your mom. Tell her that you are with Bette and see how she reacts. You should do it for Bette if not for yourself. After Helena graduated she went to where her father is buried – Bette was with her – they were both in their graduation gowns – she just wanted to show her dad what she had done. Maybe your other mom would appreciate seeing you so happy. Its disrespectful of your mother’s memory not to live the life that you could be – no one wins by you playing small Tina.”
Is this love
Chapter 38