I thought about that when I was finally on our huge leather sofa with my white wine. I’d wanted Bette to get well as much if not more than anyone else had, but she just hadn’t been able to make it. It’s hard for me to explain, but it really bothered me when I realized that she’d quit trying. It felt like an ending, as dumb as that must sound. But the finality that it brought was staggering in its sadness, for all of us.

Not that I blamed her. No one could; the chemo had ravaged her body so much that she looked like a shadow of a ghost, and she was so obviously exhausted that none of us questioned her decision to stop the chemo and radiation. Tina had begged her to reconsider, and I think the hardest part of the whole thing was watching that. If not, it would have been seeing Shane do the same thing. Something about seeing her cry always made me feel like dying. She’d done that when I was really sick, too, and it had made me fight harder than when anyone else did it. I don’t really know why, but it did.

Still, none of it made Bette change her mind and I really have to give her a lot of respect for that. She knew she was in too much pain for any of it to work, and I think it took a lot of self awareness to come to grips with the fact that any treatment was futile. Once she got her mind around that she seemed to be at peace, in a strange way. None of the others’ begging swayed her from her decision, although I knew it hurt her to see them so sad. Especially Tina and Angie.

Still, none of that mattered when it came down to it. She knew she was dying. I spent a lot of time with her in the days immediately following the realization, and it was strange to me how different the feeling in the air was from when I’d been sick. There was no fear this time. Bette had made her peace with it, and in some strange way it really comforted me. Then again, she was much older than I’d been, so I’m sure that played a part. Still, dying was dying, no matter the age. Looking back on it I’m sure she was terrified, but she never let that show. She just got ready with a great deal of dignity.