“Francesca. That is the birth mother?”

“Yes. She is also an art gallery owner. She’s been in New York for the past few years working and finishing her Master’s degree. She is going back to Italy at the end of the year to run her family’s gallery in Milan.”

“So she will work with you even after the baby is born?”

“Yes. She will be here for three months after.”

“Have you given that enough thought Bette. Do you really think it’s a good idea to have a working relationship with the woman whose child you are adopting?”

“She and I will have a working relationship she doesn’t want to develop a relationship with the baby. She doesn’t feel that she will have any difficulty relinquishing rights to the baby. She is seeing a therapist and has been engaging in various distancing techniques to ensure that she doesn’t become emotionally attached. It’s almost as if she’s thinking of herself as a surrogate.”

“It’s not exactly the same Bette. I take it she still lives in New York?”

“Yes. She’ll be here in a week for a visit but I hope to convince her to stay for the rest of the pregnancy. Marcus is preparing for a group show and he’s going to be very busy for the next couple of months. I would rather have her here especially now that I’ve decided to adopt the baby.”

“You probably already feel it but it’s important for Francesca to intentionally try to foster the development of an emotional attachment between you and the baby. Don’t control her every move but start getting involved in the preparation for the birth. She’s six months; I assume she is low risk?”

“Yes. From what she’s told me everything is fine with her and the baby. She had her last checkup a couple of weeks ago.”

“Once you tell them of your decision to adopt the baby I would suggest that you talk to them about how you will become involved in the remainder of the pregnancy and the actual birth. Marcus will need to step aside and let you take over as the ’second parent’. His intention in being with Francesca through this might include the assumption that he will be the birthing coach, or the one in the delivery room, or the one attending the doctor visits with her. You may decide that both of you will share the responsibility but I think that you should take on the primary role. This is your baby so take every opportunity to get involved in the pregnancy and feel that you are a part of it; just as if it were your partner having the baby. Marcus might even prefer it, but not voice it because he might feel like he’s abandoning Francesca or not living up to his obligation so you desiring it will ease any guilt he might have. The decisions about method of birth and where the baby will be born then become yours and Francesca’s. I remember you mentioning that you would love to experience a home birth. If that is what you want you’ll need to express that to see if she’s in agreement but you also need to respect whatever she is comfortable with.  You’ll want to also have discussions about breast feeding. You’ll need to know what her thoughts and feelings are about that. They say breast feeding serves as a bonding experience between the mother and child. If she’s trying to detach herself she might not want to breast feed but perhaps you can get her to pump so the baby can have her breast milk.”

“I would want the baby to be fed breast milk. I read somewhere that women can actually induce lactation even if they didn’t give birth.”

“Yes that is possible or you can use a supplemental device. I recommend that you ask your doctor, pediatrician or a lactation consultant about that. The important thing is to make a decision before the baby is born.”

“We will.”

“You know you can count on me to help you through these discussions Bette. I’m happy to consult with Francesca and Marcus as well if you need me to. There are a lot of practical aspects of a situation like this that people don’t consider.”

“You’re right doc. You’ve already given me a lot to think about. I know Francesca is seeing a therapist but maybe we should do a consultation together.”

“I think that’s a good idea. So have you talked to family and friends about this?”

“I haven’t told anyone except you of my definite decision but of course I’ve talked to Peggy extensively about the possibility. She’s very supportive and encouraging; of course she’s thrilled at the idea of becoming a grandmother. Kit is very supportive as well. She’s retiring and plans to move to Los Angeles before the end of the year. She’s expressed the desire to be very involved with the baby and helping me to raise it. James and Lisa are the only other people that I’ve talked to about it and they love the idea that their son J.J. will have a cousin and playmate. They’ve even offered to move their family to New York temporarily so we can work on Peggy’s project and still allow me to stay in Los Angeles to provide a stable home for the baby in the first few months to a year.”

“You’ve got a great support system and a loving family Bette. You and the baby are going to be just fine.”

“Yes we will.”