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    No More Ambiguity

    “I can’t believe how close we came to losing you. I will never let you go back to that dark place where you felt so alone. I will always be by your side. My God Bette how could I have been so blind to what was going on around me? How could I not see or care how my actions and behavior were affecting you then and now?”

    “Only you can answer those questions Tee. I didn’t tell you this for you to feel guilty so please don’t. It’s in the past. I survived. With Emma’s help and James’ support I was able to put my life back together. It took us a long time Tee, but we have the life that we’ve always dreamed of now. I’m not going to lose any of it. I’m going to fight for you this time Tee. I’m going to fight for me. I’m going to fight for our children. I’m going to fight for us. I am not going to just roll over and play dead. I will not give over my power or my will to Helena Fuckin’ Peabody or anyone else for that matter.

    Emma helped me to realize that Helena was successful in destroying me because she attacked my sense of self-worth and self-esteem. I was already so down on myself because of everything that was going on between us. I couldn’t reach you. I couldn’t satisfy you. I couldn’t support you. I had to work so hard to become what you needed me to be that I lost myself. When I considered my worth, I measured it against how you saw me. When I lost value and respect in your eyes, I could no longer validate the person I was. That manifested into self-destructive behaviors. Helena knew the right buttons to push and having you in her corner against me was enough to put me over the edge.

    When I started therapy the first thing Emma said was that I had to recognize my innate worth because my survival and sense of well-being depended on it. I was the one in charge of establishing it. I needed to project it and endorse it. I couldn’t let others take that away from me or depend on others to validate me.

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    1. Bette was very clear about what Helena did to her. And she was rather explicit in explaining how she has overcome the damage that Helena caused. I hope that Bette’s message that her self-worth was no longer dependent on anyone and that would include Tina. Bette loves Tina and is dedicated to making her happy. But Tina’s view of Bette will no longer determine who she is. She will no longer be dependent on Tina’s approval to be happy and to achieve the goals she want for her life. And there was an admission that Tina had been manipulative of Bette during the time period she was with Helena. I think this is a big milestone. I hope that Tina follows through on her plan to see the therapist.

      Tina also admitted that her sympathy for Helena was somewhat self-serving. She believes that if there is just a glimmer of goodness in Helena, then she will not look so much like a fool to the world for have been taken in by Helena. Hopefully, she will see that the search for that goodness could very well cost her the relationship with Bette she so desires. Its a sign that Helena’s hold on Tina still has some smoldering embers. Tina’s best path is to admit that she was manipulated by Helena and her methods and admit she was duped. She needs to recognize it for what it is. Tina assisted in almost destroying Bette and now she needs to put her guard up not to allow that to happen again. Not with Helena nor with anyone else.

      This is a very interesting approach to the reconciliation of Bette and Tina. Its a magnificent way to show how they grow in their maturity and perspective of what went on when Bette and Tina were separated. It explains a lot in why Bette is having trouble getting to complete trust of Tina. Bette is being very reasonable in not trusting Tina until Tina shows that Helena will not and cannot be allowed to manipulate Tina again.

      Excellent chapter… thankyou for posting. Look forward to more.

      • Very good comment Martha!

        Couldn’t have said it better and i really hope Tina is going to contact Emma to go in therapy and work on herself like Bette did.

        Bette loves Tina dearly but doesn’t need her to be able to live her life like she wants. I really hope that what Bette’s told Tina opens her eyes, she and i quote Martha, “admitted that her sympathy for Helena was somewhat self-serving. She believes that if there is just a glimmer of goodness in Helena, then she will not look so much like a fool to the world for have been taken in by Helena.”

        Love how Angie enjoy her time with Peggy, Peggy may have lost one daughter but she got a whole new family with Bette, Tina and Angie.

        Great chapter!

      • Martha your post is phenomenal. My personal take away is that Tina was a pretty willing participant. She did things to hurt Bette and she did them willingly. Yes, there was manipulation by Helena but Tina was complicit. Why? I think that is what Peggy sees. I think that is what Bette fears. And I think that is what Tina needs to learn – why she so badly hurt and almost ended Bette.

    2. Martha and Bibi say it all perfectly! This is one of my favorite stories because I love the romance and special way Bette treats Tina and demonstrates her love with her actions and deeds. The inclusion of Angie as an integral character is perfect. As well as the addition of James, Peggy and Emma. I am so glad that Bette has her three people, especially Peggy. She is such a dear soul who loves Bette and Angie so very much. She cares for Tina but does not entirely trust her. Rightfully so. (For the sake of the family, Winnie is another who has been willing to overlook some of Tina’s pretty despicable behavior with Helena.) Bette’s three important people brought her back from the abyss when others abandoned her and Bette knows this. It is sad that this Helena remains a factor in Bette’s life and future with Tina but that is on Tina. It was long past time for Bette to lay it all on the line. Tina as represented in your story really is the weakest link. No more buts Tina. Not if you expect a life with Bette. No – Helena was good to me, she was misunderstood, she had her good points, she took care of me, she helped me gain my autonomy (have come to despise that term), I owe her a lot, Peggy is unfair to disown her daughter, no more freaking excuses Tina. Enough! That Tina was so incredibly complicit in such ruthless behavior towards Bette remains troubling. I was not sure Tina should see Emma as Bette and Emma are so close but Tina desperately does need therapy. Then I realized Emma knows the entire story so maybe she is perfect! Hammer it home Emma! One day Helena will reach out and on that day how Tina responds will tell the tale regarding her future with Bette. That Bette went to the most extreme and darkest place imaginable and contemplated and began the act of ending her life due to the actions of Helena and Tina should scare the absolute wits out of Tina. And cause her to feel total shame and to recognize the magnitude of her role once and for all. She does need to learn and own up to why she was able to willingly and with such malice hurt Bette so very easily. Because Bette has made her intentions very clear:

      “I’m going to build a fortress around my family. She won’t be able to get close unless you let her in Tina. I love you Tee. I will always love you. We promised each other that we would take care of the other’s heart. We promised that our love would last forever. We promised never to intentionally hurt one another. We promised our unfailing commitment and eternal love. These rings that we wear and the rings that we gave Angie are symbolic of the sacred promises that we’ve made to each other as a couple and as a family. I don’t want to lose you Tee. I can’t bear the thought of losing you again, but I can’t be with you at the risk of losing myself, my life, and everything I hold dear. Tina everyone accepts that Helena is poison. Peggy and I have joined forces against her, and we are going to protect our own – but Tina we are only as strong as our weakest link. Right now, you are our weakest link.”

      I love this Bette and admire her words so much. Frankly the Helena in this story is a vampire and a vampire can only enter a home if invited in. The ball is clearly in Tina’s court. Tina minimizes Bette’s words and invites Helena in at her own peril. I suspect Helena’s return will be sooner rather than later. Bette is very clear. No more gray areas, no two sides to every story, no more ambiguity. BAT2012 – You are my hero! Looking forward to the next chapter.

    3. The comments from all of you are soooo “mic-dropping RightOn”!!!

      Bette being so determined to understand herself, and becoming willing to be transparent in a way free of guilt-generation toward Tina is so refreshing!

      And consequently, Tina’s heart finally had to reveal the ruthlessness of her own soul. She was as cruel as H, but had a sweeter personality. Tina acknowledged that SHE is the monster that easily projected cruelty on another person.

      I’m hoping she makes haste to visit Emma to take up the task of discovery and healing.

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