I saw her dancing with Jenny tonight. Jenny looked happy. She looked happy.

 I know their just friends. Just friends, having a good time. Nothing more and nothing less. Like we are too, only they arent fucking. 

What I felt must have been jealousy. God, I hate being jealous. It sucks. Especially since I have no right to be. Shes not mine and Im not hers. Because I want it that way.

But still, is it wrong that I want her to love me and hate me at the same time? I dont know. I keep pushing her away because I want find out how far I can go, even though I already know shes too stubborn to actually leave. Its selfish but I cant help it. I hate being selfish.

I wish I was just.. different. Someone else. Someone more like her. Because then I could tell her things.. things Im too afraid of telling now. Like that I love her. Maybe.

Okay, Im officially depressing myself to the core right now. Come on Shane, dont be such a fucking pussy, its only 9 more days. Fuck, 9 more days without a decent night sleep? Im totally gonna break down. I grab the photos I keep beside my bed of her. I look at her smile what seems like an eternity until I remember her note and what it said. Call me whenever you need to. Okay, so maybe I just should. I grab my cell phone and dial her number but I get to hear her voice, happily telling me thats shes not there right now but I can leave a message. FUCK.

What are you going to wear to the funeral tomorrow? Laura asks as shes polishing her nails.

Uh.. I brought a dress.., I answer.

Oh good, me too, Laura says.

Yeah well.. I dont think mamas gonna be too crazy about it. Its a red one. A very red one.

Laura chuckles. Even better. Cause Ive got an orange one with me.

Orange?! Oh my god, I guess moms gonna be really pissed..

Yeah, and orange and red dont even go together! Laura says, as shes burst into loud laughter by now.

Fuck.., I groan.