I often ask about her and find answers from our friends who are not always willing. Bette will keep hers short and to the point: ‘It’s hard to tell Dana, she keeps so much inside, we’re just trying to be supportive of you both.’ Tina doesn’t like to discuss the issue and tries to tip toe around it. Although Alice hasn’t known Tina for that much longer than I, I know she is closer to Alice than myself, perhaps because Alice was the first person Tina turned to when her own relationship ended a couple of years ago. Hell Alice is the person everyone turns to and yet cannot bring herself to confide in anyone over the torment she is going through daily. I know Lara has helped me graciously through this but she cannot fulfil the place of my best friend. The place that is now vacant because of my own doing.

Shane is the last person I will ask. I think that’s because every time I talk to her about Alice I see the flash of betrayal dance in her eyes. Her expression reveals nothing but her eyes always deceive. She would never vocalise her own thoughts but I can see it crystal clear that she blames me for the rift in our family, for the empty chair at breakfast and for the awkwardness that accumulates when we gather together at parties at which either Alice or myself is not present. No one has questioned my relationship with Lara even though I find myself explaining that I did not leave Alice for her. I do not know whom I am trying to convince, them or myself. Lara is a convenience, I hate to admit it but it’s true. She is like the person Alice used to be before we were together and even in to the early stages of our relationship. Care free, fun and a joy to be around and yet although they share many of the same attractive qualities she is simply not Alice and will never be. I feel that she knows she is a substitute and I can see it eat away at her at nights sometimes. I wander why she even bothers with me, how can she love someone whose heart isn’t in it? I think it is because she is waiting for me to snap out of this dismay and become hers fully once again. I know this is a lost cause.