Even though I know how it has turned out I’m not sure I would go back and change anything. I couldn’t stay with Alice out of pity. I know she would hate me for that and I would in return hate myself. I just wish there was something more I could have done. I want more than anything to hold her close again and soothe away all her pain, all her fear and tell her I’ll always be there for her. I feel like I’ve not only broken our relationship but her life. I’ve single handily destroyed her self-confidence, her notions on loyalty her idea of an ever lasting love and happy ending. I was supposed to be hers and she mine and yet it’s not that way. Why the fuck isn’t it that way? Why?

I feel a slight resentment towards my new girlfriend. If she had never come back to LA would I still be with Alice? Why did her arrival change everything for me? Had it shown me what could have been? Was that better than what was then? I know Alice and my problems were underlying before Lara’s return. We lacked communication, trust and the fun spark of friendship that we had skimmed over and replaced with lust. We gave in to our intrinsic needs and focused on satisfaction instead of growth as a couple and as people. If I ever get that chance again with her I know it would be different. Maybe its just wishful thinking, I doubt she’ll ever forgive me and how could it ever be the same when I have tarnished all that was good.

It’s weird how it’s the little things I seem to miss more. When I brushed my teeth I would always somehow manage to leave a smudge of toothpaste on my lips and Alice would always kiss it off if she was around. I miss catching her dancing around in her apartment to cheesy music when she thinks no one is looking. I miss seeing her take her glasses off in the morning and use her contacts instead. I miss the smell of her perfume. I miss the book she kept on her nightstand at my place. I miss feeling like I belong to someone and everything I’m doing feels right because now it’s the exact opposite. The way I’m treating Lara and the reasons I’m with her are deplorable.

My training has understandably slipped and I can’t find the motivation to keep going. I don’t have anyone running after me with boxing gloves or stocking my fridge with special low fat high carb food. When you break up with someone you don’t think of all these little things that make it worth waking up in the morning. She was my sunshine. Fuck that sounds clichéd but it’s how it feels, how can the night live without the day?

TBC