Little did I realise that having learnt to accept myself once I would have to start all over again.  In the beginning when you gave me this mirror, I used to look at it every day, always turning it over and garnering strength from the inscription.  When I felt I had accomplished my goal I continued to use the mirror but I no longer needed to read the back.  I kept it with me as a reminder for the days I doubted myself and reassurance on the days I didn’t.  Then I got sick and suddenly I needed your inscription all over again.  I still do.

The process of accepting sick Dana is proving just as hard as accepting gay Dana.  It’s ironic there are such similarities between the two.  Neither one is a choice and neither one is within my control.  I have behaved terribly since I got sick and I still don’t have the energy to put it right.  If I get well fixing those things is my first priority and if I do not, I hope to make some sort of amends through these letters.  Much of how I have behaved however has been down to a complete lack of acceptance that this is my life and this is now who I am – sick Dana, bald Dana, grumpy Dana and now probably dying Dana.

 So, each morning I go back to your words as I realise that the only way to prevent myself from pushing more people away is to accept myself as I am and then allow those around me to accept it too.  I cannot tell you how much of a difference your friendship has made to me during this time.  As upsetting as it was to lose my hair the blow was softened considerably by the unique way in which you and Alice helped me through it. Do not think that I do not know that the person giving Alice the strength to be strong for me is you.  For that I am eternally grateful.

Now, enough about me, onto you.  For all the wisdom you have had for all of us over the years you have often struggled to find happiness in your own life.  Despite your constant reassurances that a long-term relationship wasn’t for you we could all see the look in your eye when you looked at Bette and Tina back when things between them seemed unbreakable.  It was something you coveted but which you were too scared to hope for.  The funny thing is you thought that falling in love was something that you could control, that the barriers you put up would be strong enough to withstand true love.   Carmen knew better.  She came along and wouldn’t let you push her away.  She has been patient and gentle with you but she is rewarded for that by being loved by someone as special as you.