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    Remember Who You Are 41


    Bette stood, “It will make more sense if I show you.” She waited while Tina put on an oversized t-shirt, then slipped her hand in Tina’s and led her to the office down the hall.

    “Sit…” she said, holding the back of her office chair and smiling, the tears seemingly over for now. She stood behind Tina while she spoke, playing with her damp hair, her hands moving slowly, soothing. Tina relaxed into the touch, as she always did when Bette ran her fingers through her hair.

    “You’re going to put me to sleep, Babe…” she smiled and tilted her head all the way back, looking at her wife upside down, Bette holding the back of her head as she did so. Bette smiled again, that smile she always gave when she thought Tina was being cute, and kissed her wife on the lips, one hand coming to hold her gently by the neck.

    “Don’t sleep. Not yet,” Bette whispered, her nose on Tina’s chin, Tina’s eyelashes tickling her throat. One more kiss then she straightened, keeping one hand on Tina’s shoulder as she leaned to reach the mouse, her breast pushing into Tina’s back.

    She clicked on the email from James. “I got this email from James today. He sent me some links to look at, some news reports from when you grew up. It is this last one that is of most importance. Here…. look. Do you know her?”

    Tina froze. One hand reached for the mouse, and it wasn’t until Tina’s fingers brushed up against Bette’s that Bette realized they were trembling. Tina looked at the picture, then zoomed in on the necklace the woman was wearing, something Bette had not paid attention to before.

    “That’s… that’s Honey. My God. Bette, what have you done?”

    And to Bette’s horror and utter dismay, Tina put her head in her hands and burst into tears.



    Bette didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know where to put her hands, what to say, what was expected of her. Tina let go of the mouse and put her head in her hands, the crying taping off after a few long minutes. Bette was still leaning over Tina, so she did the only thing she could think of doing.

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    1. So, I guess its the next chapter before we hear who Honey is?

      Wow… I never expected Tina to be so upset with Bette. Thank goodness she talked to Eloise and got that straighten out. I understand Tina being upset and I would presume that the hormones present during pregnancy do cause more emotional reactions. But I had a tough time seeing that Bette had done something so wrong as to cause her to be relegated to the couch. No one is perfect… no one communicates what they should exactly when they should. There is always a delay from the onset of a problem to the communication of that problem. Bette is truly trying to be present in the relationship as is Tina. They both need to take a deep breath and try to listen better. I think Tina has found that out from her session with Eloise. Sometimes just paying attention will go a long way to making the path smoother. Bumps are going to happen. Glad this one was resolved fairly quickly and with grace.

      I really love this story. I am glad to see Tina is going to take an active role in the search for Boo. If Boo is alive, these three “Musketeers” will find her. I just love James’ dramatic voice “Room of Discovery”. Shows how really serious they are about this search. Tina, deep down, has to be thrilled that they would attempt such an adventure. And all that crap about Boo not wanting to be found was just a ruse to get Bette to think about what Tina wanted in this adventure.

      Cannot wait for the next chapter…. please keep it coming. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

      • Agree that the problem wasn’t that Bette hadn’t told Tina 1st what she was up to, and Tina came to realize this in session with Eloise that Bette solves problems by gathering facts, pondering whether she thinks they are worthy of sharing.

        However, when she’s unsure and confused, Bette’s history has been that she goes to Tina to have her help put the pieces together. She trusts Tina to do that NO MATTER what the state of their relationship.

        I wonder if Tina’s explosive reaction when Bette shared that she had been looking for Honey didn’t come from The deep-seated fear of having s shameful past being revealed. After all she knows what it’s like to spend the majority of her own life Hiding. Running. And hiding some more.
        Tina discovered how she has been projecting her own insecurities on Bette and then beating her down because of them. In gut-wrenching fashion she learned that part of why she sends out mixed messages is because she wants protection but finds it vertually impossible to trust anyone to protect her.

        Remember how we were flabbergasted that at the function in Chicago, after dirtbag Eric tried to bust into her room to “celebrate” with her, and Bettes’ FBI friend saved Tina out of that mess with a stern warning to not be drinking so that she would be alert, Tina STILL accepted the champagne from Eric at the dinner table???🤔🤔🤔

        She was missing Bette and wanted to “celebrate” with her, but instead “trusted” Eric even tho she knew he wanted to get her drunk. She thought at the very least, Bette would be there to sweep her up if she did get tipsy, but the snow storm had greatly delayed Bette’s arrival. Tina never expected to need rescuing . . . from Eric BY Bette.

      • Martha
        This is why I think Tina reacted the way she did – she grew up in a tumultuous, unloving, toxic environment. She’s pregnant, tired and has been worried about Bette all day when she sees this picture of someone clearly right out of a past that was traumatic for her. Talk about triggers! Often we see people lash out in anger when the real emotion behind the one you see is something else – fear, sadness, hurt for example. That is the case here. Also, as DT mentioned below she is impulsive as we have seen in this story before. The main point is that she took immediate action to meet with Eloise and dig deeper. I think we all see the impact of Honey on Tina in the next chapter and why seeing her picture would cause her to break down in tears. Does that make sense?
        And I don’t see the thought about Boo not wanting to found as a ruse – Tina is trying, in her own way (misguided or kind depends on how you look at it) to rationalize why Boo left. And one way to feel better about being left behind is to decide that the individual who left wants to stay gone and not found. Makes it easier to swallow in some ways. Again, more on that will be revealed.
        So glad you are asking tough questions and that we have a chance to dialogue so you can get a feel for where I am coming from. As I have said before, this story has taken on a life of its own and I don’t always know what will end up on my (much edited and rewritten) final post. LOL. Peace

    2. Hey BK,

      Looks like another awesome chapter!!!!!!

      I want to enjoy it & relish it – so will have to read tomorrow my friend.

      Congrats on posting & can’t wait to read the whole thing!!!!!!!!!

      Thanks so much.


    3. Noooo! I needed, like, just a few more pages BK! You had me so in my feelings with that fight and then Tina talking to Eloise and realizing the part she plays in everything. Man, it was sooo powerful. And I absolutely loved your description of Bette with the Chinese food. That’s me, to a T! Just a few bites of everything! Your writing is so beautiful and I felt every emotion, every look and every movement of these two. I loved their time in the Room of Discovery. Can’t wait to hear what Tina reveals about Honey. Her best moment before Bette? What could it be?

      Dying to know! And I’m so in love with these two in your story. God, they’re so perfect!


      • HA RKayyy –
        I loved the Chinese food part and sometimes do that myself. Why settle for beef and broccoli when you can have five other tastes as well! Her best moment before Bette, what could it be indeed. I better start thinking LOL.
        Hoping you are writing your next chapter too, it will be a doozy with the funeral! Thanks for your comment, always makes me smile!

        • I’m about 4 weeks ahead of what I’m posting, but I know exactly what you mean. And I have a pretty ambitious plot line, so I feel your pain! I’m sure whatever it is will be amazing. You’re so good.

    4. I love the river theme. Tina’s stories are so vibrant. And so mysterious. Why would Turn Up be potentially not speaking to Tina? Why would the day she met Honey be one of the worst and best days for Tina? All of the years Tina pushed down that part of her life from Bette but she still kept track of the river folk to a degree. Cannot wait to learn the story of Honey and Boo and Turn Up. Have my theories but as with any great mystery, speculating is part of the fun. Your writing is really very beautiful:

      “He won’t be on that list, James. Most river folk don’t pay taxes and distrust the city. He’s still there last I heard. He was at Boo’s the day we all met Honey. It was a terrible day, I will never forget it…” Tina’s voice trailed off and she walked away from them to stop in front of the family tree. Bette took a couple steps towards her. Tina looked back at them, a sad smile on her face, her accent thicker as her emotions surfaced. “It was also one of the best days of my life… right up until I met you, that is…” her eyes locked on Bette’s and Bette’s heart surged in her chest. Tina’s expression was unreadable, but she looked lost, bereft.“

      Bette thought she was doing something nice, the right thing for Tina. I think Bette has a heart of gold. Sometimes important details like sharing with Tina may evade her for a while. But her intentions come from a place of deep love. The couch certainly holds a great deal lot of symbolism for their past relationship. Arguments, misunderstandings,literal, artificial and physical distance. Bette making sure Tina had comfort at her own expense. Willing to give up ability to get proper rest for Tina. Your description of Bette refusing to sleep in the guest room as it would add yet another wall was just perfect and makes so much sense. That Tina made the move to bring Bette to their bed and went to see Eloise right away shows growth and a desire to no longer let feelings of hurt or anger fester. Tina wants to understand her quick tempered response. At first Tina tried to justify her anger but Eloise knew enough to bring her back to reality. As for Bette, she knew she was taking a chance and probably should have talked it over with Tina. Hopefully both have learned another important lesson. As you write, communication via their bodies has never been a problem and now they are working on their verbal skills.

      It is quite understandable that Bette lives in fear of Tina leaving. Her insecurity is justified. Also, she carries around a lot of worry. The first miscarriage, Eric, Donna. But they seem to have worked through this hiccup. Bette has brought Tina in on the plan and shared The Room of Discovery and Tina is accepting that Bette’s actions are based on love. And that Bette can talk things over with others but always returns to Tina. Now – it seems Tina is intrigued and may actually want to join the search. However, I for one want to know what event in Tina’s life could possibly compare with meeting Bette!! It must be a doozy. The mystery continues.

      What a symbolically rich and beautifully written story.

      • I agree with BiBi – Billy, your comments are wonderful. I too think that Bette has intentions that come from a deep place of love and guide her every action. She misses the big picture sure but she means everything with all her heart. The couch was a symbol of old habits, patterns and the endings of those things to move to a more connected, mature relationship. One that stands up and holds space for the other instead of retreating away in hurt. SO glad you enjoying the story and can offer such vibrant commentary. If you like hearing about the river you will really like the next chapter…..

    5. Hey BK,

      What a great chapter! Long and still to short, you always leave me wanting to read more!

      I don’t like it when they are having a fight but thank god you didn’t let it fester for to long.

      Glad that Tina made a appointment with Eloise to talk about it and that Eloise can let her see and understand her quick reaction and behavior towards Bette and how Bette is and why Bette is insecure especially about her fears that Tina will leave her again. I really like how she described Bette as a protector and what that means. They have have both made big steps in their relationship but they still have so much more to learn. You mentioned how they were able to communicate by body but they need to communicate by words too and they are doing better in that area. They are both committed to work on their flaws.

      The Room of Discovery, well named! Love how James and Bette put all the information and pictures they have in that room and now for Tina to see. Will Tina going to help find Boo? And what is the reason that meeting Honey was a sad as well Tina’s greatest day? It is quite a mysterie Tina’s past and the people who live or lived there. I love to read about Tina telling about her past and how her accent comes out when she does.

      I am totally in love with your Bette and Tina and you have such a beautiful way of telling this story!

      Thank you BK, stay save and healthy ????❤️????

      • Thank you BiBi. I think I always saw Bette as a protector. She certainly comes across as a “bombastic bully” but it comes from such a place of loyalty and sense of care taking. Imagine her with a baby!
        Thank you for taking the time to comment and letting me know which parts of the story jumped out at you! Stay safe and healthy!

    6. BK, I’m about to start reading. Pouring myself a cold soda and starting to enjoy your new episode .. eh… chapter. Forgoing a nice Gin n Tonic ’cause it’s too hot in my rooftop flat to drink alcohol. ;-)
      Thanks for the bedtime story!
      Bye for now

    7. Thank you so much for the post which was not quite long enough :-)
      Can I be an Oliver Twist and ask for more? :-)

      Loved it, agree with comments above and look forward to more of your talent!

      Stay safe

      • Thank you SG! You can always be Oliver Twist BUT I gotta sit with this one for a long minute, I promise to start as soon as my brain is ready, how about that? Glad you are along…

    8. Wow, that chapter could be called “realization and understanding”. You had me on the edge of my seat from the first line.

      It was as if I could see first the camera tracking Bette’s worried face, showing her reaction to Tina’s movements, small movement of her eyes, a tic of her lips, about to respond but refraining from speaking, swallowing hard instead. Not understanding in the slightest what went wrong to cause such a reaction from Tina.
      Then cut to Tina, pacing, breathing hard, trying to control her tears and her usual reflex reaction (love the “crocodile anger”) of maybe shutting down immediately and leaving to room to put some space between herself and Bette.

      Oh but I wanted to take Bette in my arms and comfort her like a small child. All of her reaction reminded me of a little girl who was scolded by her mother for doing something stupid. Both woman really fit the part. Tina taking the role of the exasparated parent, asking many questions, barely controlling her anger, Bette taking the child’s role, getting monosyllabic, mostly answering with No, her posture defeated with falling shoulders and lowered head. Still the child when she was compelled to sleep on the couch, wanting to stay close, maybe camping outside the parent’s room, so she wouldn’t miss it should her mother decide to leave the house and her in the middle of the night. Wow.

      Nevertheless Tina understands Bette’s tendency to put pressure onto herself, to set too high expectations so that she would fail herself. “..made you feel like .. a complete failure”.
      It’s great that she tells Bette that she was worried about her, that she notice that Bette had a bad day and that she is there for Bette to share her sorrows and pains. And that Bette once again wanted to keep things from her to protect Tina, to make her happy. Only the delivery of Tina’s message was bad. Scolding mother. But sometimes we get angry and shout at our loved ones although we are scared and very worried about them.

      And Tina got to the bottom of it all. Bette’s fear that Tina will leave her again. Finally it is out in the open, now both can work on it.
      I loved how Tina’s mind started the reflective work the same night. Thanks for Tina having the epiphany of her own repeating, destructive behaviour (sending Bette to the couch) and starting to remedy her own failure the same night. Her reassurance that she won’t leave Bette.

      Another wow to all that was revealed to Tina while talking to Eloise. Feels like this is the last step she has to take in therapy. So far it was about processing the ordeal with Eric, with her mother, her childhood trauma. Now it’s time to work on the mannerism she interiorized as a child.

      Never expected that it would still be Tina who has to work on herself to make their relationship work solidly. Well, Bette has some issues as well but now it really feels like our favourite couple has a fantastic chance to make the “first, last, forever” thing work.

      Great writing, BK, I’m still overwhelmed how much was revealed with their fight and the aftermath. Yes, the make-up sex was sweet as well. I’m still grinning at Bette’s obsession with Tina’s breasts. Such a boobs girl!

      Looking very much forward to T + B working on their balanced relationship and of course Tina talking to the “Water mouse” ;-)

      Thank you for sharing another amazing, very moving chapter.
      Enjoy your week, stay safe and healthy!


      • KP
        I am utterly stunned at the insight of your comments. I read it once, twice, three times. Were you in the room when I was writing this (Checking under the bed now… Seriously it’s like you were in my head!
        I pictured Bette like she was the night Shane stopped by after her big fight with Jenny (the night of the studio party) and poor Shane is looking for a place to stay, Angie is sick in the bed and Tina… Tina is pacing because she is so upset at the change in direction of Lez Girls. Pacing and pacing…. should she call, it’s 2am…. and Bette is sitting on the couch talking to Shane and there is a quick moment where we see Bette watching Tina with worry, trepidation, concern. That was the Bette I was trying to capture.
        And you see it. You really did so thank you for letting me know that you see the same interaction that I was trying to capture. You have no idea how many rewrites and revisions and read out louds I did to get this close to that picture of Bette in my mind.
        I wanted to take her in my arms too, she really is well intentioned. All through the show and now the crap that is called GQ I feel like Tina is the one with the issues. Yes, Bette has them and hers are a doozy but Tina has this self destructive give up impulsiveness about her that always pops up. I am over it, so I wanted to have her make that mental leap that she plays a part too.
        I love your description of a child sleeping outside the parents door to stay close, the distance can sometimes feel so far right?
        Thank you for sharing and for taking the time to log in and post a comment. I got a chuckle out of your initial post when you were settling in for a “bed time” story and clearly you spent some time thinking about the chapter. Can not thank you enough, it is comments like all the ones before yours and YOURS that keep me going.
        Have a wonderful week, be safe.

        • DT, you got me, shoot! ;-)
          BK, had to smile at your “read out louds”. I admit that I sometimes read out loud some dialogues. It often helps to better understand the atmosphere, the tension or emotion the author wanted to convey. As I’m not a native speaker the universal translator in my head sometimes needs a jump start ;-)

          Thanks gals for the laugh after a taugh and exhausting day at work :-D

          Now I’m off to hack BK’s password

    9. Bk,

      Wow – What an emotional chapter.

      Lots of emotions heavy lifting on both their parts.

      We start by thinking will Bette ever learn – Tina calls her a pompus ass!! Then wham – Now Tina turns out to be the ass by her actions & assumptions!!

      Several times you made me laugh – Bette would be willing to carry the couch on her back if Tina would continue to mutter naughty suggestions in her ear. Or the impatient Bette – ‘Jesus, can you take any longer with the F zipper???’

      Tina’s session with Eloise was eye opening for her & she need it. She needs to trust Bette in return.

      And the Chinese dinner scene & set up was sweet & special. Tina will indulge her woman with her little quirks!

      Gotta say that before I knew it the chapter was just about done – Great Job!!!!

      Excited to see what they find out about Boo.

      Thanks so much for sharing your super talent.

      Stay safe.


      • Collins
        As always you hit on my highlights too. About Tina took some heat for her contributions to their issues, right? Bette will always be Bette and she is working to change her actions but Tina has coasted for the most part – and in many ways does more damage.
        I am looking forward to seeing where you take these two in your own story, do you think maybe you could get that posted this weekend please? My summer semester will be done so whatever brain cells I have left will love a distraction into the reuniting of B/T Collins style.
        Stay safe, super glad I have you to bounce ideas off of=

    10. BK

      Maker’s over ice.

      Love where this is going, but I am going to talk about the argument.

      I love how you gave details in the way they have grown. They stay put even if it is uncomfortable. The emotions are high, but they still listen and hear. So well written and the word choice. Amazing as always.


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