“Don’t you see Tee? I needed to feel something, something… anything. And Candace, she was there, and she wanted me, she noticed me. I was so numb… and I thought… well, I was wrong…so wrong, but I thought I could start to feel again with her. That I could get the feeling back and my heart would stop hurting…. And that I could stay strong for you at the same time. Tina… I was terribly horribly wrong”.
It all came out in a rush, now that Bette was talking, she had a lot to say.

“My God, oh my God…” Tina pulled her head out from Bette’s neck and looked, really looked at her wife. Her complicated, tenderhearted, gentle wife who outwardly portrayed control and poise while inside she fought to keep the darkness away. I have to do better, be better Tina thought. It starts now.

“It wasn’t about the sex Tee. It was never about the sex. It was about the connection… I needed, desperately needed, to feel… I needed an anchor to ground me. I was drifting… so lost… I had built this raft of hurt and discontent and I sailed away from you on it, all while I pretended to be strong for you, for us. That night…after the art show, I took you forcibly. I was trying to feel, I was so… numb…”

Tina was stunned. They had never talked about that night. The ripped dress. The slap, the bites. The raw desperation from both of them. The screaming. And the sex, the raw sex. She came that night, much to her shame. She had made Bette take her.

“I… Bette. I am so sorry. Thank you for telling me this. Thank you for honoring me, for allowing me to walk this journey with you. I hurt you too you know… that night. I hit you. I …made you take me. I will do better Baby. I will, I promise…”

And Tina kissed Bette. She didn’t know what else to do. She wanted to chase away the words that described that night. Erase them from Bette’s lips and replace them. She didn’t know what to say. The words weren’t coming easily. Her heart was caught between a thump and a free fall, she was utterly dismantled by Bette’s story, her vulnerability. Humbled by her honesty, her grace, her strength. All she could do was show her. Show her with her kisses, her lips, her body and hope that was enough, for now.