She had this little white iron bench and we sat there. Her nerves where frayed and we sat there for the longest time not saying anything. Just her head on my shoulder. She was afraid of dying, who wasn’t….me. I knew I was on borrowed time. I felt it as soon as I met her. Deep in the heart of me I knew I was not going to make it. I survived too many times when I should have been a goner.

“I use to shoot up….I liked the feel. For me it was like soaking in warm tub in the middle of the ocean. My body was here physically on planet earth, but my mind was in that tub in the ocean. When I came to there was always the mess I made, the baby laxative to cut it, the needles, the rubbing alcohol, that gross burnt metal smell of my spoon. I threw up afterwards, all the time.  I kept saying to myself no, I won’t do this again. That was the last time, it wasn’t worth it. But I kept going back….”

“Shane…..I didn’t know…..”

“I covered it up…..its why I have these tattoo’s on my arms…to cover the track marks….I fight it everyday….that feel….I’m on borrowed time Trish…..but I’m not afraid….I should have died a long time ago….but I didn’t…..”

‘……I don’t want you die…..I don’t wanna die…..I have so much I want to do….so many places that I haven’t been to……I want us both to go…..I know you have this thing about you, this way….like you are always walking to your own funeral…..I know…..all I was thinking in the car…spinning…..all I was thinking was that I didn’t want to go…..I had too much to do……I was thinking when I stopped, when the cops came and the ambulance and fire trucks, I was thinking that I missed you and that I love you….I love you so much…..all I wanted was  to come back here and feel you so close…..”

“Well good…..lets stop this….come on. Tell me what you want and I’ll make it for you…..”

Why didn’t I say the words? It was so easy…..I love you too…..and I need you too…..