Chapter 5

After dinner I talked her to sleep. I said all these things to her about the person she made me. About how I think of her all the time, how when she was not near me….how I felt like I was gonna loose it. All true things, words softly spoken to her but no declaration.

I crept out of the house and went out to the garage and cleaned up the mess and found a box to stash my weapons. I felt this overwhelming anguish, something I had not felt since Carmen left. And now she was back and wanted from me the very thing that I didn’t believe I could do. Could I go back and do this for her? Did I owe her? Of course I did, she was my first love…..what did it matter? I was going to do it for her simply because she asked me too….that’s what love is blinding and dulling….stupid making……and I loved Carmen….and I loved Trish….

I walked up the stairs and headed for some much needed sleep. Trish was tossing and turning when I got into bed with her. I held her close till she calmed down; her darkness which was rare only manifested itself during sleep. It lead me to think that like me there were things about her that she didn’t want to share or rather felt she couldn’t share. Either way I held her close and smelled her hair, kissed the back of her neck and whispered to her.

“I can say this now….cause you’re asleep…..I love you….a lot….more than a lot….you make me perfect…..”

The fire trucks and ambulance and cops are getting closer. Carmen is on her back now staring up into the sky. The green dye that covers her is now mixing with the orange that covers me, making a weird yellow that is getting lost under all the blood that shows through and through. What do we look like? I know how we feel. I crawl closer to her and she winces and screams out. I take her hand in mine and I lie on my back and watch the sky with her.

‘Shan….Shane?” She moans.

“Yeah…”

“…….we’re gonna die aren’t we?”

“Oh yeah….” I wince.

“I am sorry…..I’m so sorry….”

“About what…..don’t be sorry I….I….told you……”

“I’m sorry….that….I left…that I ruined your thing with Tricia….that she is going to look back and feel bad things about….you…..you love her and I…..just had to have you to myself…….and now we’re…..fucking dying……”

‘…..Well when you put it that way…yeah you did ruin my life….”

‘…………God…..don’t make me laugh……..fuck…”

“Carmen…..I could never….deny you anything….I love you…I loved you….and….Trish…she’s tough….she’ll hurt and come to hate me…..but I…..it doesn’t matter….it doesn’t matter…”

“Fuck you it matters…..stop doing that……ok….stop….”

“No more talking about Trish….she left….she’s gone…..she’ll get over it in time and find someone new……I know her…”

“I didn’t get over you……she won’t……”