ALICE

I woke up this morning in Lara’s bed. I should have known It would be best if I had driven home and crawled under my own blankets for the rest of the day. I felt like a coward as I listened to her getting ready for work, pretending to be asleep. I know that I am using her and this makes it very hard for me to face her. Usually I am awake and gone long before her alarm goes off next to her bed, but this morning I succeeded in sleeping through her alarm and her shower. Which gave me way too much time to reflect on our relationship. If I could even call it a relationship.

I promised myself three nights ago when I was sneaking out of her apartment that it would be the last time, but I can’t ever seem to stop myself from driving over here. I just want to feel something again., I want this deadness to go away and the only time that I forget the emptiness inside of me is when I’m with her. When it first started I could see the same blankness staring back at me every time we were together, and for some reason I could find comfort in that. But she’s starting to get a new look in her eyes. I’ve been trying to ignore it, trying to force her to be rougher with me. Knowing that if her eyes continue to change, there will be no escape from the numbness that my pain has left in me.

She was here a moment ago asking if I needed coffee. I don’t know why, but before I could stop it, your drink tumbled out of my mouth. Lara is back now and she has that look in her eyes again as she sets the cup in front of me. “Alice.” She says my name again, her tone promising a subject that I am in no condition to discuss. The smell of your coffee burns as it fills my head. The familiarity of it is threatening to kill me as I watch the steam roll off of the cup and dance into the air before it disappears into my nostrils. I stare at the cup for a few more seconds before I am able to rip my thoughts away from you and I finally let my gaze fall on Lara, whose own gaze is still locked on me. “We need to talk.”