I’m sorry its taken so long for me to reply, but this is hard for me. Feelings I thought I put behind me are reappearing and its scary, confusing and hard. Dana you must know I love you, always have and always will, but is it enough?. You said in your first letter you couldn’t handle the insecure and needy part of me, so if it were to happen again how could I trust you wouldn’t do the same thing. I’m not saying this stuff because I don’t want us to get back together, I just need to understand. I need to be 100% sure that if we get back together it will be forever. I cant go through another 10 years like the last. So now im going to tell you my feelings and I hope you understand why I feel the way I feel.

Dana in 10 years ive changed from the person you used to know. When we broke up it completely destroyed me. I became a shadow of the person I used to be. My friends say when they met me I had so many walls built around me and so many insecurities. It took time and their love and trust for those walls to break down and my insecurities with myself to be resolved. I made peace with myself and the person I used to be, I moved on. I’ve been happy living the life I do, although I think of you always, I accepted that together was not how we were supposed to be. Then I was told I had to come back here for an assignment and my heart jumped to my throat. I didn’t know if I could face you or the memories this place held. I knew I had to do it though, to finally put the past behind me. It was working well until I received your first letter. Your thoughts and feelings opened the gate that held my feelings and no matter how hard I try I just cant lock it again.

After that letter I knew I had to see you again. My nerves started as soon as I wrote it in the letter. On the morning of the meeting I arrived and seeing your car, I nearly turned around and went home. I stood outside for at least 10 minutes, trying to build up the courage to go in. As soon as I did, as soon as I saw your face, my heart stopped. I realised I was holding my breath because you always take the breath from me. I was frozen to the spot and as hard as I tried I couldn’t move. When I did finally move it was like I had no control over my body or what I was doing. When I sat before you there was so much I wanted to say to you, but my voice left me. I couldn’t find the words I wanted to say, I was too lost in you. My heart was banging in my chest and if you saw a pain behind my eyes, It was because I sitting so close to the one thing I want most in the world but couldn’t have. You looked so beautiful, I wanted to touch you and kiss you and tell you that I love you with every breath in my body. I just couldn’t do it so I hid my feelings. In 10 years hiding what I feel deep inside is an easy thing to do. So we talked small talk, skirted our issues and both left the planet with a feeling of emptiness and want. Dana how can we ever get back what we had when we cant even talk to each other face to face about it. We use letters because its easier to say what we feel, but when your with someone your meant to be with saying things is supposed to be easy. As much as I love the letters you write to me, I would love you to say it to me more. I need you to say it to me, because then I can see that you mean it. I need to see the love in your eyes and for you to see the love in mine. As hard as I’ve tried I cant let go of you and I don’t want to. Your in my head and every night as I go to sleep you kiss me goodnight. When im struggling I talk to you in my head and when I miss you I hold you in my arms. My heart calls your name, breaking each time when the call isn’t answered. I know your going to think that if I truly feel like that, why am I doubting we’re meant to be together. The honest answer is I really don’t know. My love for you is pure, but the doubts in my head wont allow me to believe we can be happy. I don’t know what it is about you, the love of my life that brings out these insecurities. I guess when you let yourself fall so deeply in love, you leave yourself open to not only the good feelings but the bad as well.