The line begins to blur PT 5

CH 9

“Sure I pulled the trigger, but it needed to be done

Because life’s been killing me ever since it begun

You can’t blame me cause I’m too young”

I needed to think.

I needed to get away from her and her skin and her lies. I didn’t know if I was coming or going. I did not know left from right, up from down.

The invite had been extended my whereabouts completely know to my enemy. The enemy with the friend inside. It didn’t bother me that Havoc knew my address. It didn’t bother me that he could send people to try to kill me. It was the life. What bothered me was I was knee deep in love with a fucking lying ……………. Well I won’t say the rest.

She left after the last bout of love making if you want to call it that. Her soft skin never lost to me. She kisses me goodbye like she was afraid she would never see me again. I watched her thru the security monitors. Saw her remove the tarp from her ride. Saw her pull out and head down the gravely road back to where she belonged. I went to wash her off me. I must have stayed under the water for an hour. Just staring at the white tiles. Flashes of all the things we did in here. Flashes and flash backs of the time he let us spend together.

I was clean when I walked out of the shower. But I felt used, dirty on the inside. She knew nothing of loyalty and by me sleeping with her I knew less. I got dressed and went to the ice box for the bottle of Stoli I had. I turned the stereo on as loud as it would go. And drank, and drank.

What would Pop do?

 He’d get a gun and shoot her.

 That’s the only lesson he ever taught me. Don’t betray, don’t stray, and if they do…handle it.

 Somewhere around 5 am I passed out. I had the other dream……………………… In this dream Pop has got his car lined up with Fast Eddie’s. In this dream Pop losses fourth gear for some reason, He can’t get his car to hit top speed and he lost the race. Carmen is holding my 17 year old hand, while Fast Eddie and Pop fight over the idea that someone messed his ride up. I look at her thinking how much I want leave with her and then Fast Eddie pulls out the gun and shoots Pop in the face. The blood and the sounds Pop is making, these chocking gagging sounds. The sound of him slumping on the ground, the sound of Fast Eddie saying “Tough luck kid pay your dues.” I cry and Carmen tells me “Everything to gain is won in blood.” She kisses me goodbye and tells me everything will be alright.