There nothing left to try, I want to say good-bye to this sense of loss and loneliness. I take another sip from the bottle and I swallow the liquid. It burns my throat, but it doesn’t hurt. Actually it is almost good to be able to feel something apart from emptiness. I want to say good-bye but first of all I need to say it to her… I can’t leave without saying it to her. I take the phone from my purse and dial the number I’ve been knowing by heart for years. My home number. It goes to voice mail; I’m happy actually, I wouldn’t be able to talk if she answered… I wouldn’t be able to talk if she was going to act coldly. “Hey, it’s- it’s me… Bette” I clear my throat. I can hear my words, they are slurred “I wanted to- I just wanted to say good-bye. I know I said I wanted to be a part of Angelica’s life, earlier this morning. But I don’t want to make things difficult for my baby girl. I mean, I’m not even her mother… I cannot make decisions for her, right?” I slightly laugh, but I actually want to cry “I- I miss you, you know? I’ve always missed you and I hope it’s the same for you” the words keep coming from my mouth, they aren’t even following a specific order, they just come out “I know that she will be fine with you and with whoever you’re going to spend the rest of your life with. I know you are a great mother. You are a great person and she is lucky to have you in her life. Henry is lucky too” I almost break down, but I can’t right now, I have to be able to tell her good-bye without interruptions “I was thinking about our life together, you know? I was thinking about the things you taught me. You made me understand what it feels like to be loved. And how it feels like to be able to love. Sometimes it’s too strong that it hurts. I wanted to- I wanted to thank you for being in my life. And for giving me such a great gift… Angelica” and here I break down. I try to speak but my voice doesn’t seem to come out of my mouth, then I finally manage to hold back my sobs. I exhale a large amount of air “I love you, please don’t forget that… tell Angie I love her too. Okay? Good-bye T”.

            And that’s it, I did it. I said good-bye and now I’m ready to go. I finished my whole bottle of Jack Daniels and stand up. I’m still crying and sobbing. I realize I’m pretty drunk as I almost slip, but somehow I manage to keep myself steady. I take the bottle and, screaming I launch the bottle against the rock, making it break into pieces. I slowly bend down and examine the pieces, trying to determine which of them is going to help me find the point of no return. Here you are I finally find it. It’s sharp; it’s perfect.

            That’s it, just some more minutes and I will be gone. I’m here lying on the sand; I can still hear some children’s laugh and the eagles’ cry in the background. It’s almost calming. I’m still holding the piece of glass that just some minutes ago helped me empty myself of my essence. The blood is flowing away just like my soul. I lift again my eyes to the sky and the last two things I see are the faces of my two girls: Angie and Tina. I suddenly want to stand up and go to them… but maybe it’s too late. I can feel my eyelids becoming heavy.

Did I really want to say Good-bye?

The End