Those certainties make my approach tentative.  The tremendously unimaginable blunder then every subsequent dismissal to my advances to reinstate what we were promotes this prudence.  I don’t want to do anything wrong.  The first tear she shed that night was one too many.  That I wasn’t there to catch and dab them away was an impossible reality.

So I’d rather be overly cautious than have another lapse in judgment.  Ever again.  Even the perception of being inappropriate is unnerving. 

—

“I know.”  Bette conceded. 

Absent from her look, a characteristic glow.  Her voice was measured as she acknowledged the truth in Tina’s statement.  As she whispered, “I know.”

But today wasn’t about sharing blame.  Bette felt ill to what had occurred and there was no place for reliving false steps that were not her own.

After all it was she who was in the room with another woman.  Who asked to be taken away somewhere.  Who let someone other than Tina touch her.  Who touched someone else intimately.  In a way that should have been unique to only one other.

There was also a need to explain.  With words that would surely fail to express her thoughts in their entirety.  Without words to minimize further pain.  Emotions almost beyond capture.  In ways, impossible to convey.

“You know how strongly I felt about…monogamy.”  Bette’s scrutiny lingered on Tina.  Wanting to communicate her full attention to the discussion. 

“Fidelity.”  The concept was uttered with care, respected for what it meant.

She cringed.  At the irony of it all.  Having held to the moral high ground yet the one who surrendered to the escape. 

In the moment Bette needed to be held accountable if not vilified.  The self-loathing was not enough.  Not to mention the disappointment directed at the image that stared back as her fingers trembled to finish applying the makeup that hid the strained look.  One she bore in the many weeks and months after. 

Yes, the self-loathing…that had festered unchecked for an extended period and erupted now from where it had been dormant within to breath rapaciously. 

As such the oblique reference to her recklessness thus far was clarified.  Thereby consenting to anger directed her way.  To allow Tina to chastise vehemently.  Reviving Tina’s glare, hurt and defiance witnessed on that night.  Wanting the fury to resurface and burn through the skin that kept her physically whole though she’d wanted to shatter into pieces after their collapse.